Becoming A Touch Centred Sex Educator and Therapist

April 13th, 2010

The title of my website is Massage By Ki implies massage and you might wonder what the link is between massage and Sex Education and Therapy. It seems like quite a jump.

Well I think that telling my personal story of how I got into this work and how it is evolving might make it easier to understand.

Years ago I quit my former jobs as a white water raft guide and environmentalist and I took up massage. I took some training in Lomi Lomi massage and Thai massage and although I wasn’t officially licensed but I really loved massage and I was good at it.

Being unlicensed, I got a lot of requests from people, men especially, to massage their whole body including their genitals. At first I was righteously and indignantly opposed to the idea. That was just wrong and bad! In hindsight I can see how I had not worked through my shame and fear around sex, never mind sexual touch for money.

Then one day a beautiful young woman came to see me for a relaxation massage. We got to talking during the session and she told me how she did sexual massage, ran her own porn production company, and did professional dominatrix work. This woman was not a victim. She was radiant with life energy and confidence. I was inspired. Something inside of me shifted.

I starting questioning myself, “Really what is my problem with sexual touch? Why am I so uptight about it? Why do I touch people’s body all over except for their sexual organs? What message am I sending to people?”

Well I decided the answers to those questions were all based in some narrow minded morality and sex-negativity that I didn’t really agree with. So I just decided to change the way I thought and what I was doing. Actually it’s truer to say that I changed what I was doing and the way I thought eventually changed too.

So in my massage practice I just jumped into the deep end and started advertising that I did erotic massage, or “full-body” massage as we say in the biz, as well as my regular relaxation massage.

My work became a challenging and interesting learning environment to say the least. Immediately boundaries became an issue – a lot of people, men and women, wanted more sexual play than just an erotic massage. In some sessions I felt like I went further than I wanted to. Communication was difficult too – many people wanted an erotic experience, but they didn’t know what it was they wanted exactly, or they were too ashamed to express it to me, and I was left trying to figure it out. Needless to say there were mixed results – some sessions were deeply unsatisfying for me and my clients. I had lots of my own unresolved issues around sex that got activated while working with clients. At times I’d get my own needs and desires mixed up with those of my clients. Or I’d try to please my clients without really knowing what they wanted. In short, it was pretty messy in those early days.

It didn’t really help that there wasn’t much in the way of mentorship or community. Most people doing erotic massage and sex work are in it for expediency. It’s not their calling, it just pays the bills. They don’t spend a lot of time in self-development and self-reflection or connecting with others in their community.

I think what helped me most in those early days was a strong community of friends who I was open with about my work, my own personal meditation practice of Vipassana, a lot of self love and forgiveness, and a genuine interest in this work and helping people. Even with the challenges, the balance of my experiences were very positive. I learned a lot about myself and my relationship to sex. I got a front row seat on the huge diversity of sexual problems and desires that people have.

After a few months of doing it myself, I started looking for teachers to help me on my journey. My first was Maryse Côté. She is tantra teacher who has devoted her life to this work. I took a couple of 2 week tantra intensives with her and also became her assistant helping her organize and run other trainings. I learned so much from Maryse. I love and respect her dearly. Her teaching had a focus on tantric ritual, erotic massage and the sacredness of sex.

It was a good start but not enough. I found out pretty quickly that when you touch someone, especially when you touch their genitals, you aren’t just touching their body, you are touching their whole history with sex, and their emotions, beliefs and meanings about sex, themselves and the world. Unfortunately Maryse didn’t explicitly teach about how to deal with that tangled web. Certainly she is a master at doing it herself but she didn’t really teach it. It’s only years later that I could even understand what I was needing at the time but wasn’t getting.

So I kept looking for guidance and I kept doing my work with my clients – to be honest they were my best teachers. I believe that it there is no such thing as a sex expert – because the erotic and sexual are just so personal – every single person has a different story and experience. Sure there are themes – for example most people have a lot of shame around sex – but each person is so unique.

My next teacher was Dr. Joseph Kramer. Dr. Kramer is truly an erotic education pioneer. He started the Body Electric school, an innovative series of workshops focusing on attaining ecstatic states by combining breathwork and erotic massage. He is a master at creating experiential erotic learning environments using massage. He even had the vision and drive to create an academic program and a certified profession, Sexological Bodywork, in California. This program is taught in San Francisco at an accredited university, the Institute for Advanced Study in Human Sexuality.

I signed up for this training as soon as I found out about it. I thought, “Wow here is something accredited that includes sex and touch – that’s leading edge.” The training gave me some important pieces that I needed for my work like technical training in using breathwork and massage but more importantly it gave me a whole new perspective on using bodywork as a modality for teaching people about themselves. There were some rare unusual teachings as well, like masturbation coaching and anal massage. The course also had some great reading material like Jack Morin’s book “The Erotic Mind” which expanded my understanding about the erotic as a mental construct not just a physical response. Ironically, I would say that the Sexological Bodywork training treated the erotic mostly as a physical response.

Good as it was the pieces that were still missing for me from the training were boundaries and dealing with people’s emotions and psychological material. Sexological Bodyworkers are supposed to work with talk therapists who will take care of that material – Sexological Bodyworkers are just supposed to educate people about “erotic embodiment”.

Yeah right. In my experience that’s not very realistic for two reasons. First, I don’t work in California and I can’t get professional certification and insurance so no talk therapist will refer clients to me because of liability issues involved in using sexual touch. By the way I’ve never had a single complaint in this regard. Second, the psychological/emotional material that arises during a Sexological Bodywork session is ideally dealt with in the moment when it arises. In that moment a window to the unconscious opens briefly (a memory arises, an emotion is felt) and a skilled therapist can use that opening to help their client complete a healing process (come to a new understanding or make a new meaning around an old unresolved experience) before the window closes and the material disappears into the unconscious once again. I can only even begin to describe this process after years of my own training, especially with Hakomi, and coming to understand the therapeutic process. So there was a lot in the Sexological Bodywork training that was great and a lot was missing – for me anyways.

One of the unexpected benefits of taking the Sexological Bodywork training was that I met a woman named Betty Martin. She became another one of my teachers. Betty is dedicated to bringing a level of professionalism and ethics to the practice of using erotic touch for healing and education. More than anyone I know, Betty understands boundaries and erotic communication and how that influences the flow of erotic energy and satisfaction that people get in an intimate interaction. She has devised a conceptual model in this area which I believe is revolutionary. And she has devised a way teaching that conceptual model in real life situations between people – be they lovers or a practitioner and a client. A lot of Betty’s work on boundaries comes out the Cuddle Party culture. One of my favourite Cuddle Party sayings is, “You can’t truly say Yes until you feel completely comfortable and empowered to say No.” That has become one of my core teachings for people that come to see me for sexual healing and education work. Learning to know what their No is and speak it.

Betty’s teaching gave me a huge piece around erotic boundaries and communication. I was already learning the hard way, hit and miss with my clients, but her work just made it explicit and teachable for me. It totally shifted my practice.

The world is quite remarkable in that it does respond to who we are. After the Sexological Bodywork training and my studies with Betty I started attracting more challenging clients in my practice. When I first started doing erotic touch most of my clients were men who would come for a one time pleasure experience. I don’t have a problem with that, I still do plenty of those types of sessions. Even in those single sessions which are “just for pleasure” there can be an immense amount of sexual healing and learning that happens as a side effect if I give my complete presence and a lot empathy to someone, which is what I always try to do.

For example, I can’t tell you the number of times a man, after getting a great massage with a release, has spontaneously opened up to share some important event from his sexual history, usually painful in some way. All he needs is for me to hear them, to look at them with compassion, and to just be with them for a moment in a quiet non-judgmental space. Something shifts, some deep tension in his body lets go and there is a new possibility for joy in his life. It’s wonderful.

But after Betty’s training I started to get clients who would come to see me for multiple sessions with specific or general problems they wanted to address. There were a couple of women that I saw weekly over the course of a year with serious problems around knowing their desire and communicating it – which affected their ability to be satisfied sexually and in their life in general. My work was still focused on massage but there was more talk and inner exploration. I learned a lot from them as I helped them. My biggest personal growth areas were about the delicacy of maintaining such an intimate ongoing connection with someone on a therapeutic basis.

But the missing piece for me was still how to skillfully deal with people’s emotions and belief systems – how they see themselves and the world especially in the context of desire, the erotic and the sexual. That inner world is murky, complex and fraught with fear and shame. All of my trainings skirted around the edges of dealing with it – either ignore it or send them off to another expert. That didn’t work for me.

By sheer chance I stumbled upon Hakomi. Hakomi sounds like some foreign metaphysical therapy but it is actually a very new form of body centred, somatic, depth psychotherapy. It’s based in mindfulness, loving presence and all of the new brain science.

Ron Kurtz, the creator of Hakomi, calls it assisted self-study. In Hakomi you do not look upon the client as a person in crisis seeking therapeutic help but rather a person curious about getting to know themselves better. It reminds me of the writing above the entrance to ancient Greek oracle at Delphi, “Know Thyself”. I like that – it’s empowering. At the time of writing this article I have been studying and using Hakomi for 2 years.

Hakomi uses the body and touch as a way to access the unconscious mind, emotions and beliefs so that they can be examined and changed. And the learning of Hakomi has nothing to do with reading books but rather practicing how to enter into a deep resonance with clients and create a space of trust and communication where healing can happen without effort. It was the last major piece that I had been missing in my work and really gave me the confidence to work on a mental and emotional level with my clients and not just their bodies. Nobody in the Hakomi world as far as I know is doing sexual touch.

I’ve actually become somewhat circumspect about just jumping right into doing erotic massage with someone who wants to do deeper work in finding more freedom and choice in the areas of sex and the erotic. A lot of people come to me out of desperation and think that they need something radical like a tantric massage to “breakthrough their resistances” or “remove their blocks”. Sure they could possibly have a great “WOW” experience with a tantric massage but it often doesn’t translate into anything useful for their day to day life. It’s similar to the “workshop effect”. If you have ever done a weekend personal growth workshop and feel like a new person on Sunday evening but by Wednesday morning you have a hard time remembering what you learned and life looks pretty much then you know what I’m talking about here.

These days I’m looking to create more lasting changes in people. To do that requires spending more time creating a deep trust with clients and teaching them about mindfulness and communication before we get into erotic touch. After studying Hakomi I use much far less sexual touch to do far more sexual healing.

So it feels at this point I have all the major pieces in place for my sex education and therapy work. But I have to say that I still feel very much like a beginner. And to be honest I feel comfortable with that. Beginners mind and being open to the spontaneous rather than “knowing” is the appropriate response to have when dealing with sexuality. So much of what the experts know about sexuality is dead wrong in my opinion. It’s much better to just approach each person as a mystery and create a loving space where they can discover themselves.

That being said I am constantly digesting new material about sex, the erotic and sexual healing. My education will never be done.

For example, I recently became very much interested in the work of Esther Perel the author of Mating in Captivity. Here is a woman who has deeply examined the elements that give rise to, or kill, the erotic in long term loving relationships. This is especially interesting to me because so many of the individuals and couples who come to me seeking help are in relationships that are devoid of the erotic. I’m also interested on a personal basis because I am in a committed relationship with a 7 month old baby and I’m feeling like my old erotic identity has evaporated and I’m searching for a new one. Often my own life is a fertile field for learning about sex in ways that I can bring to my clients.

So bringing it into the present, if I had to describe my area of “expertise” it would be in using touch and mindfulness to help people develop mastery in what I would call the “satisfaction cycle”. It goes something like this:

- Feeling safe with intimacy. Which depends largely on developing healthy boundaries e.g. being able to say No and Yes and feeling like you have sovereignty over your body and personal space.
- Feeling good about enjoying eroticism and sexuality. Or in other words seeing yourself as an erotic and sexual being and that being a good thing which means getting over sexual shame.
- Knowing what it is that will satisfy you, referenced from yourself, especaily by paying attention to what your body is telling you. This is in contrast to the default position that most people have which is trying to please someone else and give them what they want.
- Communicating your desires to another person which requires specific erotic communication skills which may be verbal or non-verbal. This also requires self confidence.
- Receiving and enjoying what you asked for. Receiving touch is a definitely a learned skill. In our touch starved culture there are a lot of people who don’t have it. Getting the touch you want might also require that you be able to teach another person how to do it. This is another skill.
- Allowing the cycle to repeat over and over and deepening into your satisfaction, pleasure and the connection with yourself and your partner. This is the ultimate goal.

Every step of the way there is stuff hidden in the unconscious, habits and beliefs, that will sabotage the process and keep you from fully getting the pleasure and satisfaction you want. I don’t know anyone who is completely satisfied and at peace with their erotic life, there is always another level of erotic mastery that can be attained.

So there you have it. That’s a “brief” history of my evolution from a masseur to a Pleasure and Touch Centred Sex Educator and Therapist. Thank you for taking the time to read all the way through this 3000 word treatise. If you want to talk more about how I might be able to help you please drop me a line at info@massagebyki.com or call me at 604-618-3381. I offer an initial free consultation of 45 minutes. Go ahead take a chance – all you’ve got to lose is the stuff that’s keeping you from having the erotic satisfaction that you desire.


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Erotic Education and Sex-Negativity

March 24th, 2010

I often teach classes about sex – erotic massage, sexual communication, tantra and the like. Of course most people are just too anxious to even consider coming to a class about sex. Which leads me into a discussion on why that is.

The main reason is, “On some level we are all afraid and ashamed of sex.”

This is no surprise. We live in a profoundly sex-negative culture. Beliefs like, “If I enjoy sex I am a bad person” or “Sex is scary and messy” are conditioned into us from an early age and operate powerfully on our emotions under the surface of our consciousness. Read my friend John Ince’s book The Politics of Lust to get a detailed analysis about the pervasiveness of sex-negativity in our culture and it’s effect on our psyches.

So for most people the mere idea of attending a sex class creates an instant and powerful aversion that is not rational. It does not come from your thinking brain, your neo-cortex, it comes from your feeling/emotional brain also known as the limbic brain.

Check it out for yourself. Just imagine yourself attending a sex class and notice what arises in your thoughts, emotions and body sensations. Seriously try it out. Just take a few deep breaths then imagine attending a sex class and see what happens.

(Pause)

See what I mean. I’m sure the first thing that came up was not pleasant. Perhaps it was a feeling of disgust. Or perhaps you imagined yourself being embarrassed with somebody seeing your body. Or maybe there was a tightening in your belly. Maybe you even imagined some scary stranger making unwanted sexual advances on you.

By the way, what you just did was called a mindfulness experiment – imagining something and then curiously observing your inner reactions to what you imagined.

Interesting isn’t it? Now maybe some of you didn’t have a negative reaction but I would bet most of you did. I’m not saying that you are wrong or bad for having these kind of reactions. It’s not your fault, it’s your conditioning. But my question to you is, “Do you want to have a fantastic sex life and all the health and emotional benefits that go with it, or do you want to let all that sex-negative conditioning continue to suck the vitality and joy out of you?”

You do have choice in the matter. My experience in leading and attending many sex classes is that they yank those nasty sex-negative weeds out of my otherwise beautiful garden of delight which is my natural, God-given, erotic, sensual, sexual being.

“How?” you may ask.

Well the most important thing is the transformative power of community. When you see faces of people at a class – their fears, anxiety and stress about being there, and when you see their courage as well, then you feel your own courage.

And at a certain point in the class something shifts and everyone relaxes and realizes, “This is ok. I’m safe. This is fun and I’m learning new things.” To be in community, your erotic sangha, in the light of day, creates powerful and positive new beliefs about sex like, “It’s good to feel and express my sexual desire!”

The next thing of course is that you can actually learn amazing things about sexual pleasure – how to give it and receive it – that you couldn’t even imagine before. I’m talking real erotic mastery here – learning about the power of your body and sexual pleasure and using that power to nourish yourself and your relationships.

One more thing is just being in the presence of a sex educator. It’s inspiring to see how they model a healthy relationship to sex. It’s just so out of the norm for our culture for anyone to talk openly and easily about sex.

Thats how going to sex class will help you get rid of that nasty sex-negative conditioning.

Ok then why not check out my site and see what classes I’m offering and sign up.
Massage By Ki Classes


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Learning Massage, Learning to Live

January 27th, 2010

This article was written by one of my erotic massage students, Paul. It’s inspiring! He has more writings on his blog The Listing Bucketeer
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My wife and I have always enjoyed receiving a good massage.
Mostly we’d fill the need by heading out to the local clinic or spa, but we also read a few books and took the occasional class on massage techniques. I tried diligently to apply them.

Yet I struggled with how to give my partner the kind of massage experience that I know I like to receive. As a ‘geek’ who earned his living in a technical profession, I’d never thought of myself as very skilled in the physical department. My kinesthetic sense is ‘poorly developed’. I imagined I would never be very good, and that I would still have to send her out to a spa for the best treatment. When I was giving a massage, I had to check the clock frequently to make sure I didn’t shortchange her. It never crossed my mind that I could enjoy giving a massage as much as receiving one.

Lately, however, I seem to be getting better. Without effort, the massages I give are now longer. Even my wife tells me I’ve improved.

Reflecting upon my breakthrough, I saw that the massage lessons I’d begun to absorb had important applications to all of my life. Practicing massage had now become practicing life. I can now thank the good instructors I’ve had, not just for teaching me how to offer physical nurturing, but also about being present and accomplished in the world.

In the spirit of heartfelt thanks, here are some of the lessons they’ve taught me, and a few hints on the value they’ve brought to my life away from the massage table. I’ll start with one of the most important lessons I learned, my massage epiphany.

Keep your attention on your hands: your hands must receive pleasure as well as give it. Look for and treasure the physical sensations that are present in every act of touch. You need only pay heed to them and they are yours. The same applies to life. If I pay attention my point of contact with the world – in whatever I am doing – I can find pleasure in the doing of it. I have only to focus. When I locate that joy and passion in whatever I’m doing, I am so much more creative and productive that it amazes me without end.

Maximize the amount of contact in the hands. Don’t be rigid. Let your hands be soft, and allow them adjust to the contours of the body as you move over it. This greatly enhances the feeling and warmth you can deliver through them. With life and work too. Even as I am working to accomplish some end, being rigid never helps – being adaptable does. Hence, I can try to maximize my contact with the activities I am pursuing by adapting myself continuously to their ‘contours’ as I work with them. I can feel where my efforts meet with resistance and where they are fruitful, and adjust accordingly.

Minimize takeoffs and landings. The best massages have a sense of continuity, a feeling that the hands never leave the body, but simply flow effortlessly from one point to another. In my non-massage life, in this world of multitasking – of a thousand ways to be connected at all times and at any moment – I still find I’m most satisfied when I minimize these interruptions. I’m most productive when I achieve that state of flow that comes from working on something to the exclusion of all other thoughts. I look for that flow, and try to enhance it.

Watch the reactions of your subject. There is rarely value in a motion or technique that has your partner flinching or grimacing. If you see signs of deeper relaxation, you may want to do more of what led to that. Out in the world, I need to employ the same philosophy. It’s easy when I’m hell bent on accomplishing some task to get so absorbed in the activity – in goals and milestones and deliverables – that I fail to notice that I’m not creating the result that’s most important to me. I need to adjust, and I can only do that if I’m paying attention to the results of my actions.

Vary your touch – sometimes hard, sometimes soft. There is no one pressure to use all the time or on every part of the body. Sometimes tired muscles are crying out for deep kneading; at others, just a whisper of warm fingers over sensitive skin is ideal. In daily living, I continue to learn and relearn that there is no one “touch” – no form or style that suits every occasion. There are times when affairs just need a gentle nudge in the right direction; other situations may call for me to put the pedal down and charge straight through. If I’m taking a one-size-fits-all approach to life, I need to wake up.

Explore the unknown. Always deliver your massage in a spirit of discovery. What new contours can you feel as you work? Are there shapes in the muscles or bones that you can learn more about with your touch? Use your attention on your hands to learn new things about the body of the person you’re working on. They too will learn from this. Away from the table, I need to approach every activity with the same spirit of inquiry. What am I learning about this area of life as I work with it? A job or activity pursued without that sense of adventure soon becomes dull and lifeless. Where can I step outside the comfortable boundaries of what I know? When I’m constantly discovering new things, I’m also a much better teacher.

Slow down. It’s almost impossible to go too slowly when giving a massage. Most of the time, you will probably be going too quickly, and will miss important feedback along the way. Your partner will be mentally willing you to linger longer in almost every movement. Oblige them. In my life, I’ve found myself rushing as well. How many times, I race through an activity with a sense of urgency, only to find that I have to do it over. Even worse, I finish a task successfully only to find that it was really something else that needed doing instead. I would have noticed if I’d just taken a moment to reflect along the way.

You have to be relaxed and comfortable in order to give the best massage. If you’re feeling pain because you’re hunched over the table in some awkward position, your partner will sense your discomfort, and will not be able to relax either. Make sure you look after yourself first. How many times have I forgotten that lesson in life! How many times have I struggled unproductively on some deadline, when what I really needed was to take a break? Maybe go outside or do some exercise or get some sleep – or just do something different for a while until I’m ready to tackle my task freshly. Usually I tell myself I don’t have time to relax. Afterwards, I see I wasted far more time running on three cylinders. Looking after me is essential to looking after my purpose in the world.

Be grounded: maintain your presence. You can’t give a good massage if your mind has left your body and is off doing other things. Feel the earth with your feet on the ground, breathe fully, and bring your attention back to the here and now. With other endeavors, I am constantly amazed at how that little exercise of reestablishing my physical presence enhances my ability to deal with life’s challenges. I must be a little dense, though, because I still seem to forget this lesson about a hundred times a day! Breathe!

Create a time and place where you will avoid interruptions. You can’t deliver the ideal massage experience if the phone is ringing, the kids are interrupting, or you have to leave in the middle to move the laundry. With every other task I undertake, the same applies. It pays off when I take that little bit of effort at the outset to ensure that I can do my work without needless interruptions. That’s true whether I’m in a business meeting, pruning the roses, or having friends over for the evening. I might even shut down my email before writing that piece I’ve been planning!

Don’t watch the clock. There’s no rule that says a massage has to be a certain length. If you’re relaxed, if you maintain your presence, if you pay heed to your partner’s reactions, and especially if you focus on enjoying the feeling in your own hands as you work, it will be just long enough for both of you. The same goes for life.

Your technique is less important than your engagement. Don’t worry too much about mastering all kinds of special strokes. Study only when it moves you, but always make sure that you are enjoying what you are doing. If you’re not, the best techniques in the world will not satisfy the person who’s receiving them. Ah, this is a lesson I have struggled much with in life. I think I need to learn this new skill before I can try that activity. I need this training before I can do that job. I need this certificate before I can tackle that career. It’s not so. Do the activity that moves me, apply for the job that excites me, choose the career that calls to me, and the learning will come with it. I still need to take this lesson to heart!

Don’t worry about getting it right. You don’t have to be perfect in order to give your partner a great massage. Focus on your intention, the gift you wish to deliver with your massage. Do whatever it takes to enjoy the giving of it as much as they enjoy the receiving. Accomplish that and you’ll do better than just getting it right. I find this an even more challenging lesson for life. Getting it right has been my mantra. Turned around, it’s been my straightjacket: never make a mistake. Employing this lesson from massage, I try to remember that mistakes are Nature’s way of letting me know I’m still alive. Focus on my intention, and despite my warts, I can still contribute something wonderful to the world.

There is much value in stillness. Sometimes you just need to pause with your hands on your partner’s body. Feel the points of contact, their body rising and falling with their breath. Be aware of your own breath in communion with theirs. Feel the stillness within you and around you. Stay with this longer than you think you need to. In my workaday life, too, there is much value in stillness: taking time to meditate or reflect on life and my place in it; walking in a deep wood or watching the ocean; relaxing to a peaceful piece of music. It’s also invaluable to stay with this inactivity a bit longer than I think I need to.

Take joy in doing a great job. Revel in your partner’s relaxation. Comment on her peaceful expression. Give yourself credit for a gift well given. For sure, this is another important life lesson I so often forget. I finish one task and I’m on to the next. I march through life without pausing to acknowledge my accomplishment: reminding myself how much I wanted to achieve my objective yet how insurmountable it looked when I set out. When I run on automatic without stopping to pat myself on the back from time to time, life soon starts to feel like a treadmill: all motion but never arriving anywhere. It’s time to step off for a while.

Remember, there is a time to give and a time to receive. The best practitioners of massage always make sure to get their own massage needs well met. This greatly enhances their ability to deliver. Besides, what’s life without a good massage from time to time? Now, where is that wonderful woman when I need her?
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Great words of wisdom indeed. I love it when my “students” surprise me with their mastery. If you would like to learn how to give and receive a great massage I encourage to come see me or check out one of my classes.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


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Honouring Desire

December 20th, 2009

I’m going to start this post with a personal story.

My spiritual journey started with Buddhist meditation. I had my first true spiritual energetic experience, a direct experience of God, while doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After that, for many years, I meditated in silence and stillness for at least 2 hours a day.

Somehow, not fully understanding the teachings, I began to believe that what I desired was the cause of all my suffering. I convinced myself that if I just sat on my desires long enough, especially sexual desires, and endured the physical sensations and emotions they evoked, which could best be described as a ride on a burning roller coaster, that I would achieve Enlightenment.

I smile at my naiveté. My desires eventually won out, thankfully, after years of self-inflicted poverty and intense loneliness. I have since come to know and understand that on Earth, in this fleshy form called a body, honouring my desires and seeking their fulfilment with courage, compassion and love is an empowering spiritual practice.

As with all spiritual practice there are fears to face. When you seek to fulfil your desires you are vulnerable. You may get rejected and hurt. You may become uncomfortably aware of some moral dogma, that was programmed into you, that told you your desires were sinful and that you would be punished if you indulged them. Maybe you actually were punished by parents or others in positions of power when you were young. I would go as far to say that all of us, in this culture which is so repressed around healthy sexuality, have been punished to some degree with guilt and shame.

I’ve also known too many people who, like myself, in the name of spiritual attainment, are not transcending their Earthly desires, just suppressing them. Their suppressed desires turn into physical disease or depression. On the other extreme these denied desires manifest as addiction — to food, drugs, work or loveless sex to name a few.

Honouring our desires is deep work. Here’s a few suggestions to help in the process.

Source your desire in your body. Get your self into a quiet place with no distractions and ask your body, your heart, your belly and your genitals, “What do you desire?” Pay close attention and see what your body says to you. It may speak to you in sensations, emotions and images that you may have to sit with for a while to understand. Journaling, dancing, drumming, or making art can help you decode the body’s messages. This is not a rational, logical, left brain process but rather an intuitive knowing. If you are ruled by thoughts and the nagging voices in your head, this process may take some practice.

Own your desire. Celebrate your desire. Even if it seems unclear how that desire might be met. Practice being at peace with your desire without judging or condemning yourself. If you say to yourself, “No I can’t possibly have that” or “I don’t deserve that”, then take a look inside and see where those limiting beliefs might come from. After you do that, see if you can create a new belief like, “It’s healthy to have desires and to have them fulfilled.”

Express your desire. Well after all that effort of sourcing and owning your desire you might as well go for it and take some action to make it real. It’s been my experience that my world consistently organizes around my words and actions. It takes courage to ask for what you desire but even if the immediate answer is “No” you’ll feel empowered for making the effort. And if you can ask without guilt, fear or shame you will pleasantly surprised to often receive what you want and more. Life is abundant and generous.

Volumes could be written on Honouring Desire. If you would like some personal coaching in this area please feel free to contact me.  Also my classes in Erotic Massage are a good place to practice honouring your desires in the realm of intimate touch. Good luck, have fun with it, and practice, practice, practice!

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Communication Skills, Love and Sex, Spiritual Practice | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

7 Breaths To Erotic Aliveness

December 3rd, 2009

My clients tend to be very successful and busy with their career and their families. They need ways to relax and feel more erotically alive while on the go. Here’s a “micro-practice” I often share with them which I call Global Breathing.

First, here’s how to approach Global Breathing.

Seek the pleasure, make this fun. Breathing by its very nature is a sensual erotic activity, so look for that quality in this practice.

Only breathe as far as your body will allow – don’t try to muscle through any resistance. Awareness of body sensations and movement in this practice is what brings about the positive effects not physical strain. One millimeter of pleasant expansion into an area which is tight and sore is much better than a big, forced, deep breath.

So take it easy and don’t worry about getting it right.

Find a natural pause in your day for this practice. A few minutes before a scheduled meeting. The space between switching tasks. Going from inside a building to the outdoors. Before eating. Waiting for your computer to boot up.

Do it for just 7 breaths intentionally  (about a minute or so) then leave it and go back to your other activities. Come back to the practice often during the day.

So here’s the practice. Breathe in through the nose very slowly. Feel for the breath expanding the following places in the body: the pelvic floor, the belly, the lower back, the solar plexus and ribs, the mid back, the upper chest and the shoulder blades. Do it sequentially and systematically in that order – like you are filling your torso from bottom to top with a warm liquid. When you have felt the breath in all of these places, immediately exhale with no effort. Don’t hold the breath. Let the exhale just “fall out” as the torso shrinks in size. When the exhale is complete then immediately start the next inhale. Get into an easy steady pace as you repeat for at least 7 breaths or a couple of minutes.

If you can’t feel the breath expanding some of these places then just imagine it expanding them. Remember – expand only as far as feels pleasant without strain.

You can make it even more erotic by thinking of your breath as a lover’s caress.

I invite you to try it right now. Again don’t worry about getting it right. Just be aware of what happens and how your body feels before and after a minute of this practice. This one practice alone can bring immense erotic liveliness a habitual way of being in your life.

If you’d like personal coaching in this breathing and other ways of becoming more erotically alive please contact me for a personal session.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Energy | No Comments »

Massage Yourself not Just Your Online Dating Profile

December 2nd, 2009

I have many friends who are searching for love and connection via online dating sites. My friends are spending hours flirting, chatting, writing emails, arranging dates, and “massaging their profiles” in their quest for love and sex.

It’s a challenging game. Unanswered emails, getting stood up, and bad dates are all too common. I really admire anyone who persists. The disappointments far outnumber the successes.

I have a tip to help your chances of success and it has nothing to do with your computer.

It comes from my own experience of attracting my own Beloved into my life.

I had been single for years before meeting her. My love radar was always on high alert. If some poor girl showed the least bit of interest in me, I was all over her like a cheap suit. Sure, I had regular flings but nothing would last long or satisfy me. I wasn’t very attractive in my neediness and desperation.

Eventually I got smart and realized that I had to do something different. I started to focus on my purpose – being a fantastic sex educator and healer. I stopped grasping outside of myself for satisfaction and started using all of my tantric skills to cultivate my own sexual energy.

I’d make time everyday to massage myself – especially those intimate places where there are lots of nerve endings. I’d set my intention and get centred before touching myself. I took my time and wasn’t in a rush to get off. I limited the amount of porn and fantasy I used and instead brought my attention to my own body sensations. I used conscious breathing while touching myself. I tried new techniques and toys and learned new things about my own pleasure. I used a mantra, “I Am My Own Divine Lover” and channelled my orgasmic energy into a vision and an embodied feeling of that mantra. I savoured my solo-loving practice.

Within a couple of months, I had an inner fire burning. I was feeling confident because I was meeting my own needs. Instead of chasing after every woman that came my way, I quietly contained my energy. My lady friends took notice. They would come up to me and say, “Ki what have you been doing? You’ve changed. You’re looking so good.”

I’d smile and say, “I’m practicing loving myself.”

It’s true that we attract what we put out in the world. In that state of being my Own Divine Lover my Beloved soon showed up in the flesh. Our connection was magical and still is. Jessica and I have been together 3 years and we have a 3 month old son who is the delight of our lives.

So to all you singles my advice is to add some more time massaging yourself as well as massaging your online profile. Give yourself so much sensual pleasure and love that your cup overflows. You’ll be amazed at who shows up to have a drink.

I’m available for private sessions for men and women who would like coaching in this empowering practice of self-massage and solo-loving. Obstacles do come up and a supportive coach can make the difference between success and failure. You’re worth it!

Ki
604-618-3381
Massage By Ki


Posted in Breathing, Dating, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

Tips For Giving Great Sensual Touch

December 2nd, 2009

Giving great sensual touch with your hands is the most important sexual skill you can have.  If your sex life isn’t as satisfying as  you’d like it, before rushing off to get a new sex toy, try improving your touch skills with these few easy tips. You can practice them with your partner or with yourself.

#1 – Breathe

Centre and energize yourself by breathing comfortably into your belly for a minute or two before touching. The key word here is comfortably. Don’t force your breathe or strain yourself to “breathe deeply”.  Rather, just notice your breath in your body and expand it just a little bit more on the inhale and let it go effortlessly on the exhale. While touching, keep your breath moving – don’t hold it. The more you breathe the more you feel.

#2 Pay attention to the physical sensations in your hands

Energy flows where attention goes. The simple act of paying attention to the physical sensations in your hands, like heat, pressure and the texture of your lover’s skin, will make your touch feel electric. Conversely, if your attention is elsewhere, like all the emails you have to answer, then your touch will feel empty and mechanical.

#3 Soften your hands into the shape of the body part you’re touching

Relax and soften your hands to fit body part you are touching. This increases the surface area of contact and helps you to feel more. Tension masks sensation so keep your hands soft. Stiff hands feel yucky to your partner.

#4 Move your hands slowly

Slow touch just naturally feels more sensual. Try moving as slow as you can and then go even slower.

#5 Let your hands be still and just hold

Find a place to rest your hands.  Perhaps one hand on her heart and one hand on her vulva or his penis and just rest in stillness and silence for several minutes.  Remember to breathe, paying attention to the sensations in your hands and keep them soft. You’ll be incredibly surprised at how your hands will heat up and fill with energy and pleasant sensations that will connect you deeply to your partner.

As with any practice that involves using your body in new ways you have to actually do it over and over again to learn it.  Coaching from an expert like myself will help you immensely.  Please contact me to arrange a session for you, or you and your partner.

Ki

604-618-3381
Massage By Ki

All the best sex techniques in the world won’t amount to anything if you can’t do them in a way that feels good.


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Touch Skills | Comments Off

Finding Pleasure

December 2nd, 2009

One of the joys of having a body is feeling pleasure. But how often, when we are having sex, are we actually feeling pleasure? I’ll use a personal story to make my point.

Not long ago I was getting sexy with my Beloved. We were in the missionary position (it never goes out of style) and I was inside her vigorously pumping away like a sweaty porn star.

Most definitely I was enjoying the playful high energy. Then a thought drifted in from somewhere.

Is there pleasure in what is physically happening to me right now in this moment?

Without stopping the action, I took a moment to direct my attention to the sensations in my penis. I felt pressure, heat and friction; but, these sensations could only be described as neutral. Not unpleasant but not pleasant either. Taking a scan of my body, I noticed that my butt, pelvic floor and abs were clenched. I felt my breath constrained way up in my chest. My face and neck were tense too. Most definitely not pleasant.

In the next moment, I paused the action and relaxed the muscles in my pelvic floor (everything between my tail bone and my pubic bone) and butt. I felt a drop in the excitement level but was rewarded with a sweeping wave of release that travelled up my spine into my head. My breath eased, dropped deep into my belly, and fell into rhythm with my Beloved’s breath. I felt her body soften as we both shifted slightly to find more comfort.

I restarted moving my hips, this time gently just moving my penis a few millimetres in and out. Instantly a palpable electric connection arose between us. She let out a long deep sigh and I felt my heart swell with love. That was definitely pleasure.

Now I’m not saying that pumping away like a porn star or having tension in your body while having sex is wrong. What I am saying is that there can be a different quality of sexual pleasure, some would say deeper, if you can learn to relax, breathe and be aware.

It’s something that I will often gently coach my clients to do while I am giving them a tantric massage. If you have developed a habit of doing sex with lots of tension and activity it can take some practice to learn some new ways. But these news ways can give you access to a whole new pallet of sexual delights.

Remember…

Pause… Pay attention… Release muscles in tension… Breathe deep… Savour

Practice it with your partner or yourself while self pleasuring. Hey, why not practice it anytime? Find the pleasure in each moment of life.


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing | No Comments »