Bi-curious Exploration for Men

January 17th, 2012

This is a re-post of an article I wrote a while back.

Last weekend I hosted a workshop called “Like a Pro” that was taught by Dr. Betty Martin from Seattle. Betty is my favourite teacher of intimacy skills. The class was geared to people like myself who use touch especially sensual and sexual touch as part of their profession – be it educational, therapeutic or as Betty put it, “providing a sensual oasis for your clients”, good old fashioned pleasure.

I’ll get into what we learned in the training in another post or you can have a look at Betty’s websites to see for yourself www.eroticeducation.org

After the workshop all of the students and Betty went to a local restaurant, Chai, where they were having a special evening called Mystic Romance. There was sensual music and belly dancing and general yumminess. Part of the evening was asking questions to a panel of “Love Experts”. Betty was one of them – she introduced herself as a Sacred Intimate and a Courtesan – what a lovely word. People wrote their question anonymously on a piece of paper and they were answered by the four “experts”.

There was the usually stuff like, “How do I get a man to commit?” or “How do I know he is the right man for me?” But then a question showed up that caused a silence to descend on the room:

I am a man who has a wife who I love deeply but I am wanting to explore my attraction to men. Should I tell her or should I just go ahead and do it?

As expected the answers from the panel were all about honesty and communicating with your partner. Even Betty said at first, “Don’t cheat dude!” But then as they were about to move on to the next question she asked for the microphone again. There was a serious and contemplative look on her face as she spoke.

“I am going to go out on a limb here. Let’s be real. Maybe your wife doesn’t want to hear the truth. But you owe it to yourself to explore your unexpressed erotic desires. My suggestion would be to seek out a professional to do that safely and with clear boundaries.”

Spoken like a true erotic revolutionary! There was a moment of silent discomfort in the room before the panel moved on. I wanted to jump up at that point and add, “Like me!” but I didn’t have the guts.

I see a lot of bi-curious men in my work. I remember one man who was in his late 70’s whose wife had died a few years earlier. He recounted his sexual experiences with his male friends as a teenager and how he had secretly wanted to explore that his whole life but didn’t. With his wife gone he was finally ready. He left my studio feeling like that happy teenage boy again.
Other men have wives and kids and they come to see me for a safe encounter. What does safe mean?

Well there is physical safety and emotional safety. Physically they know from my website that there will be no activities where there is a risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. I don’t engage in kissing or intercourse and if I touch the intimate areas of his body I put on medical examination gloves. Beyond that they know that I am their to take care of their needs without imposing my own. This means offering a sensual experience with clear boundaries that honour their desires. And of course I respect their need for confidentiality.

On the emotional side of things safety boils down to a couple of keys attitudes which I hold as the foundation of my work.

Non-judgment, Acceptance, Nurture and Affirmation.

This is deep soul nourishment. Men in our culture are expected to live in very confining boxes. You are either straight or you are gay. Woe to the man who is somewhere in between. I takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be bi-curious.
I’ve seen first hand the years of shame and self-hatred lift when massaging a man sensually I offer some simple words like, “It’s good to enjoy the touch of another man.” Or “It’s great to feel your arousal.” Or “I’m here with you.”

On some deep level I feel that I am healing the wounds that many men feel about not having sensual intimacy with their fathers or other men in their life. Of course I don’t mean that men should all be exchanging erotic massage but what about just savouring a satisfying hug or sitting close to a man and relaxing into the connection and companionship. I wonder what the world would be like if men could learn to relate in this sensual intimate way instead of relating through competitive sports, cut-throat business, or killing each other in war.

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Casual, Committed or Conscious Sex

November 9th, 2011

A recent email conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking about the differences between Casual, Committed and Conscious sex and how to get more good sex in general.

My friend is a woman who is beautiful, smart, unattached and very busy as a full time grad student. Here’s what she wrote:

How can a lovely lady like myself find someone to play with? I know, it should be easy, but really it’s not. I’m very busy, and I don’t have the time to go out cruising. And I don’t really like doing that either, so I signed up on an online dating site, but I’m really inept at this. I mean there are lots of guys on there I’d consider hanging out with, but I think I’m being shy! I check all the guys out, but then jam at making contact. Should I try the following:

1. Contact ten guys and set up dates. This feels like an obvious one.
2. Actually say on my profile I am interested in casual sex. This seems risky, but it is in fact true. Bad idea?
3. Consider other ways of meeting people. Perhaps you could suggest a few? Are there other sites I should look at?

There’s also a lot of things I’d like to experiment with now that I am single again, like a threesome and group sex, but I don’t know where to begin. Other than emailing you. :)

Its weird because I know I’m a pretty sexual person but I am holding back for some reason. I think it’s the personal safety issue, which is important but there must be a way for me to safely get what I need. So your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Here’s what I wrote back:

I sympathize. Dating is hard. Online dating is a huge investment in courage and energy. Here’s my quick advice. Be honest about wanting casual sex on your profile – it’s ok to own your sexual desire – you are a pioneer in that regard. When arranging the first date just be clear that sex is the goal but you want to check if you are compatible with the other person first by having a conversation. Be clear about what you want and don’t want, referenced on your own embodied yearnings rather than what you think might please someone else, and what you need to feel safe. Communicate that up front to any potential “play partners” and see how they respond and use that as a guide on whether to take the next step into being physically intimate. I’d recommend for a first physical date getting starting with something like a massage exchange and see how that goes before moving to other activities on future dates.

In a further email, after second thoughts, I wrote:

I don’t think you are looking for casual sex but rather conscious sex with all the nourishment it has to offer without the draining emotional entanglements that traditionally come with “committed sex”. That reframe might help. There are others who want that as well.

The more I think about it the more I just don’t like the term casual sex. I don’t think anything as powerful and mysterious as sex, something that makes people so vulnerable and touches them so deeply, can ever truly be casual. I also think the implicit meaning of “casual sex” is that it’s somehow not as worthy as “committed sex”. In my opinion we need to drop the tired old idea that in order for sex to be good and satisfying there has to be Love/Commitment/Emotional Attachment involved.

So I’d like to use the term Conscious Sex instead and explain what I mean and how to get it.

For sex to be Conscious and good (and often awesome) there needs to be Consent, Pleasure and care given toward the Well Being of all parties involved – these are the three pillars of what’s called sex-positive culture. Notice how Love and Exclusivity are not in there. There are lots of nourishing aspects to sex like playfulness, novelty, healing, intimacy, and general hot goodness that don’t require emotional entanglement (or somebody crashing on your couch and eating all the food in your fridge). Yes being in a loving committed relationship is great too. But sometimes, like in my friend’s case, life is just too busy and complicated for that.

Of course there is always the option of hiring a professional. I know a good one.

So if you think that Conscious Sex is what you want here’s my step by step plan to get more of it. I’m expanding on the quick advice I gave my friend:

1. Own your sexual desire. Here is something that might help. Sexual desire – or call it Eros – is actually the mysterious and powerful creative force of the universe moving through your mortal coil. It’s Good. Don’t listen to those nasty voices in your head trying to tell you otherwise. They’re just 1000 years of prudish-shaming-religious-fear-mongering crapola.

2. Get specific about your sexual desires. Can you imagine timidly whispering, “Umm you know I want umm sex.” That just won’t get you what you want. You have to declare it and know what sort of sex you want based on your own desires! Here’s a tool to help you figure that out – a Want Will or Won’t checklist. (Courtesy of Becca at www.smarthotfun.com. Her whole site, which is awesome, is full of fresh sex education advice. Go check it out.) WWW checklists contain, in chart form, many different possible sex acts which you can mark Want! Will… or Won’t. Using this list will help you get specific on your desires and also where your desires intersect with a potential play partner’s desires. That’s where the Consent, Pleasure and Well Being of Conscious Sex happens!

3. Get clear about your non-sexual needs. These could include needs for safety. Or needs around how much time you want to commit. Or needs for privacy. Or needs for not having to deal with other stuff unrelated to sex. Or needs about personal autonomy. It’s good to be clear about this up front.

4. Put yourself out there. Now that you’re clear about what your desires and needs are, you can communicate them confidently to the world through dating websites or personally. Checking out sex positive workshops and communities is a good route to try too. Or just be old fashioned and go out in the world, be your unabashed sex positive self and try to pick up (bring supportive friends with you).

5. Make first contact. Talk about sex and see how it goes. But while doing so pay attention to other things. Do you find them attractive? Do you like the way they smell? Do their desires intersect with your own? Does communication with them flow easily or is it an effort? Use this information to guide you as whether or not to take the next step – having a play date.

6. Make a play date and try out some of the less intimate Want! activities on your list. Personally I’m a big fan of a massage exchange to check out someone’s communication and touch skills. If there is a nice flow of erotic energy there then you can move on to more intimate activities on your Want! List, if not, move on. Hey you’re doing it. You’re having Conscious Sex.

7. Repeat from step 1. The nice thing about this process is that you’ll learn new things about yourself and about sex as you do it. The first few times through the steps may be challenging. You are learning new skills. Give yourself a break and don’t worry about getting it right. You’ll get better at it.

So that’s it. Go out and get the Conscious Sex you crave. Send me reports.

Posted in Dating, Desire, Love and Sex, Sex Positive Culture | No Comments »

Women Paying For Sex?!

October 28th, 2011

This piece of writing is specifically directed toward heterosexual women but I hope there is something in it for you even if you’re not in that particular group.

Traditionally the main consumers of paid sexual services have been men. There are many reasons for that. I think most significantly women have had far less disposable income so were unable to afford the services of sex workers (still largely true) but also for a woman to actually have her own sexual desire, apart from her “duty” to take care of her man, was considered unladylike, immoral or downright slutty (also still largely true).

Thankfully times are changing (slowly), and more and more women are starting to employ the services of sex workers for the same reasons men do – for pleasure, fun, variety, healing, and emotional intimacy.

If you want to hear a woman’s perspective on the challenges and rewards of seeing sex workers, I highly recommend getting a copy of Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner by author Pamela Madsen. The book, at times light hearted and at times poignant, offers real insights into the world of sex workers, especially Sacred Intimates like myself, that helped the author through an astounding journey of personal transformation – and lots of martinis. It’s a fun read.

So what are some of the rewards that you might reasonably expect in coming to see a sex worker? Pleasure is the big one. Not just a by-product kind of pleasure that you might get in taking care of a man’s needs but a selfish kind of pleasure that you can only get by putting your own desires first and by having someone that truly wants to give you what you want and has the skills to do it. Any sex worker worth their salt should be able to do that and enjoy it. Something powerful happens when you hand over a wad of cash to a sex worker. It signifies to yourself, him, and the Universe, “THIS IS ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT!” That’s a good thing.

Another reward is that you might start to love your body, just as it is, a lot more. Again what a good sex worker, especially a Sacred Intimate like myself, cultivates is an appreciation for all bodies and people, no matter what their shape or size. I like to believe that I can hold just about anyone as beautiful and engage with them intimately. When you see youself and your body reflected in that magic mirror of another’s positive regard there is a natural healing and affirmation of your own inherent beauty.

I’ve worked with many women. In fact they tend to be my most loyal clients. I’ve seen how their lives have changed for the better. So if you’re thinking of calling me, I’d say take the plunge.

If you want to get a feel for what I am like in person, I’d recommend coming to one of my upcoming erotic massage live demonstration seminars. Or be bold and just call me up (604-618-3381) and book a session.

My current classes are listed here.

Please sign up in advance online or by calling the Art of Loving at 1-888-294-1821. Sometimes these classes get cancelled if not enough people register.

I always enjoy your comments.

I See The Beauty in You,

Ki Bournes

Posted in Desire, Erotic Education, For Women | No Comments »

Finding the Road to ErosTown

October 5th, 2011

This bit of writing is especially for couples.

I’d like to make a distinction between Love and Eros. In my opinion most folks tend to confuse these two characters. Like they’re one and the same. My belief is that while they do share a certain affinity, they actually live in quite different neighbourhoods.

In LoveVille everything is well lit, known, routine and comfortable. Love likes it that way. In ErosTown there are plenty of dark corners and you never know who you’re going to meet or what sort of adventure is around the corner. Eros is happy here.

This explains why most sexual relationships tend to be hottest at the start. This new person is a complete unknown and who knows how long they are going to be around. WooHoo take the fast train to ErosTown baby. A year later you decide to to move in together and share your lives with each other. Yay for Love! But pretty soon Eros is feeling neglected in the warm coziness of walks on the beach and quiet nights at home. The next thing you know one partner is in the bedroom reading romance novels and while the other is the den with the webcam going or worse. You know the story. Maybe you even have your own version.

So what I’m saying is that if you want to have both Love and Eros together in that relationship, after the initial infatuation (insanity??) wears off, you have to put some attention and effort into making that happen. And frankly I don’t know have any easy answers on how you are going to do that. Every relationship and every person’s desires are unique. You gotta be bold and find your own way.

I do have a couple of ideas of where you might start though.

One suggestion would be to come for a tantric erotic massage with me, or my wonderful partner in pleasure Casey, or both of us together. There’s always power in adding another person to the mix. It’s one of the most common sexual fantasies out there for good reason. But for most couples who are just dipping their toes into the shallow end, this can be really edgy territory. Who knows what this new person will bring! The thing about hiring a professional(s) is that you can be sure that the experience will cater to your desires and limits. Casey and I both have worked with lots of couples and we can truthfully say that we’ve never had anything less than a fun time and sometimes it’s been ecstatic or deeply healing. We are truly pros when it comes to navigating these waters consciously.

If coming for a private session seems like too big a leap you could try coming to one of my live erotic massage demonstration classes. They all take place at a very classy sex shop, The Art of Loving in Vancouver. So the setting is very sexy to start with. These classes are real live demos of two people having sex (with hands) in ways that will probably be new to you. You’ll learn a lot and I hope you’ll even get turned on. You can relax in knowing that you don’t have to take your clothes off. Most people are a bit nervous at first but my models and I are great at putting you at ease. You’ll be fine. We’ve done this before. Everyone leaves smiling.

My upcoming classes are listed here.

Please sign up in advance online or by calling the Art of Loving at 1-888-294-1821. Sometimes these classes get cancelled if not enough people register.

Ok so there are some ideas – there are more below and on my website. Also if you’d like to read a great book on the subject of keeping your sex life alive and kicking in a committed relationship I highly recommend Mating
In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence It’s just awesome. Written by a woman, Esther Perel, who knows her stuff.

I always enjoy your comments and hellos as well. Drop me a line. Come for a session.

With Love and Eros,

Ki Bournes

Posted in Communication Skills, Erotic Education, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Touch Skills | No Comments »

Understanding the Sexual Healing Process – What is Healing Anyway – Part 1?

July 13th, 2011

All right, I’m working on an synthesis of my knowledge and experience about sexual healing from the perspective of my own practice with my clients, which is a combination of erotic/sexual touch, mindfulness, and a form a body centred psychotherapy called Hakomi which I’ve been studying for 3 years now.

I’m writing this mostly because I want potential clients to read it and to know what they are getting into before they come to see me for sexual healing work. I mean, seriously, the work I am doing is way out on the edge of the mainstream radar screen and I imagine most people need some help getting their heads around it. Maybe I’m naïve but my hope is that this writing will help further the conversation about sexual healing, attract clients that are interested in the process, allow them to make an informed choice, and prime them for success in their healing process.

Before we get specifically into sexual healing I feel it’s important to make an attempt at defining and describing what “healing” actually means.

I’ve been struggling with this for about a month now. Describing healing in terms which don’t sound either flaky meta-physical or hyper-scientific is difficult. The process is complex and even with the latest scientific findings there is still so much that is unknown. It’s funny, I’m slowly working my way through an awesome, yet very densely scientific, book called “Affective Neuroscience: The Healing Power of Emotions” and nowhere in the book do they actually define healing. I guess they ran into the same problem or they assumed that people know what healing is.

My own “definition” of healing is by no means definitive nor is it finished – it’s just me making a first attempt to hit a half obscured moving target. Everything I say here should most likely be argued and challenged and I encourage you to do that in the comments.

I’m also limiting my focus to the clinical healing process – what happens between a client and a therapist. Obviously healing comes in many forms – watching a sunset, dancing all night, having tea with your best friend, or spending time playing with a child can all be healing. I recall my own experience recently of watching this incredible TV series, Six Feet Under, and how immensely healing that was for me.

I’m also not talking about healing in the purely physical sense of, say, a broken bone that’s splinted and grows back together, but rather some other emotionally centred process that leaves someone with a more fulfilling experience of life.

So with all those qualifiers in place, here’s my non-definitive definition:

“Healing is a process in which a motivated client, in a strong relationship with a therapist, experiences painful emotions, leading to the experience of positive emotions and positive changes to other aspects of their being, leading to greater ease in receiving the nourishment that life has to offer.”

Sigh, that definition makes something which is really juicy and organic sound dry and wordy. Oh well I’m doing my best here. I’m hoping that some explanation of the various steps in the process will bring it to life.

Breaking it down let’s talk about step 1 – Healing is a process in which a motivated client, in a strong relationship with a therapist …

We’re talking about the context or the container as some people like to call it. Without a strong container there is very limited possibility of healing and a very strong possibility of creating more damage. The motivation of the client and the relationship with the therapist are the two most important factors in creating a strong container.

How important are those factors? Studies which have examined the effectiveness of psychotherapy (what I do is clearly not psychotherapy but has elements of psychotherapy in it and I feel these studies apply) have shown that the motivation of the client and the strength of the client/therapist relationship together are about 8 times more important to the success of the therapy than the next most important factor – the particular type of psychotherapy which is used. Can you get your head around that? In other words what makes healing happen mostly is the client’s motivation to heal and the relationship with the healer.

I assert, but really can’t prove, that you could apply this finding to all sorts of therapies besides psychotherapy: massage therapy, reiki, somatic sex therapy, psychic readings,  shamanic/angel/crystal healing or whatever. This gives me a lot of hope because there are so many potential healers in the world.

So the next question is – what makes for good client motivation and a good client/therapist relationship?

From my experience a motivated client possesses, above all else, the quality of courage.  The healing process invariably evokes viscerally painful emotions. Unless a client is willing to feel them (and there may be a long process in building trust with the therapist that needs to happen first) there really isn’t much hope of healing happening. One of my own therapists (I’ve had lots) eloquently calls this “moving toward the wound”. Not an easy thing to do in our world of endless distractions, where it’s just not hip to be, for example, grief stricken. Moving toward the wound takes genuine courage. Although in most cases, I would say, most of my clients initially see themselves more as desperate than courageous. They drag themselves into therapy because the cost of avoiding the wound, especially a lack of passion (in all it’s forms not just lust) and loving relationships, has just become too great. A big part of the role of a therapist is to help their clients to acknowledge their own courage and other resources they have.

Next on the list of what makes a motivated client is patience. Healing, is an organic process that takes time. A good analogy would be gardening. You’ve got to prepare the soil, get the seed, wait for the right time to plant, make sure the slugs don’t get the sprouts, water, weed, pray for sun (or make a greenhouse as we do here in rainy BC) and wait to reap the harvest. It requires sustained attention, intention and action. It’s labour. Invariably along the way there are difficult times and even disappointments. We also live in a culture that sells instant gratification. People want “breakthroughs”. But even  “breakthroughs” are actually the result of a lot of preparation. A motivated client understands all of this and is willing to be patient and make a commitment to the process.

Finally the client must have a willingness to surrender into not knowing. The healing process could be seen as exploring a city you’ve never been to before. Even with a map who knows where to go, or what you’ll find, or if you’ll get a bit lost along the way– you just trust, and step into the unknown. It’s counterproductive to imagine the healing process as something linear, say like constructing a house, where you have a plan, and a schedule, and you just follow it until you get the desired results. Healing doesn’t work that way because it deals with parts of ourselves which are non-conscious – blindspots. What I can say is that generally each step in the healing process, even while it may feel emotionally painful, is ultimately a step toward more freedom and aliveness. But you have to surrender to not knowing.

Ok that covers the client side of things in regards as to what makes a good context for the healing process to occur, now lets move on to the therapist/client relationship.

Obviously the therapist figures large here. What makes for a good therapist? Well from my experience the number one thing that a therapist needs to have is compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental, and unconditional positive regard for their client. This is really a very special state of consciousness that a therapist has to cultivate and sustain. Without it no healing is possible.

Hakomi has a particular name for this state of consciousness – loving presence. A therapist practicing loving presence actively focuses their attention on something about the client that they find inspiring, special, unique, noble, or moving; something that actually calls forth loving compassionate feelings toward the client; something that gives the therapist a sense of being nourished from the relationship. Doesn’t that sound so much yummier than some smartass expert trying to analyze you and your problems – yuck.

A therapist can’t fake loving presence. It comes from regularly practicing it and also by doing a lot of one’s own personal healing.  All therapists are works in progress in this regard. They’re not perfect but they have to have this piece somewhat dialed in if they are going to do no harm.

The next quality of a good therapist is an ability to sense what a client is feeling on an emotional level. This “sixth sense” is actually something that can be learned – it comes from careful observation of the client’s: speech patterns and voice inflections, body movements, posture, changes in skin tone, facial expression and the rhythm of their breathing – all non-conscious elements of the client’s being. The therapist also learns to track their own emotions in session for clues to what is happening with the client. The human nervous system has these things called “mirror neurons”, which have been “discovered” by modern neuroscience. These mirror neurons resonate between people, like a tuning fork that will start to vibrate across a room when a similar tuning fork is struck. So we actually feel on a subtle level what another person is feeling. Surprise, surprise, science has confirmed what empathetic people have known and done since the beginning of time. A good therapist is able to listen to these subtle internal clues and use them to sense what the client’s emotional experience is from moment to moment. When a therapist is able to do this the client feels “seen” or feels like the therapist “gets them”. That is the bread and butter of a good relationship.

This mirror neuron phenomena relates to the final thing that makes for a good therapist. The ability to regulate their own nervous system to stay calm and connected to the client. It makes sense that if the therapist can feel what the client is feeling then the client can also feel what the therapist is feeling even if it’s non-conscious. And what clients really need to get from their therapist is that the therapist is solid, grounded, calm and can handle whatever scary powerful emotion that the client can’t handle by themselves. The calm centred therapist thus becomes a “resource” for the client to draw on. In the case of clients that have real difficulty in regulating their own nervous system, the therapist actually helps the client to learn how to do this by modeling it and “entraining” the client’s nervous system. This is very similar to what mothers due with infants who have not yet developed the capacity to self-regulate their emotions. Again this capacity only comes with the therapist doing a lot of their own personal healing. Well not totally, I think there are people who are “naturals” at doing this, mostly because they had awesomely empathetic and responsive caregivers as children, but anyone can learn to be better at it.

So a good therapist does all of these things simultaneously: maintaining a state of loving presence, sensing into the client’s emotional state through careful observation, and regulating their own nervous system to stay in a place of calm and connection to the client. Doing these things naturally allows for trust to build and a strong and intimate relationship between client and therapist to come into being. This in turn makes it safe for the client to feel painful emotions the next step in the healing process.

Oh, it also helps if the therapist can remember and keep track of what the client says. But honestly this is less important than you might think. More on that later.

One more thing. There has to be some “chemistry” between the client and therapist. The client and therapist should like each other and genuinely want to engage in what is a very intimate relationship (even if there is no touch involved.)

Ok so all of that makes up the context or the container in which the healing process can happen. That’s the first step of “What is healing anyways?” I was hoping to get through the definition of healing in one post but I already at 2000+ words so stay tuned for more. I worry that I may lose people who have come to my blog for tips on how to give a good hand job. Sorry about that – come to one of my classes at the Art of Loving if you want that.

Please argue or comment. I’d love to have a discussion on this.

Posted in Erotic Education, Mindfulness, Sexual Healing | No Comments »

Understanding The Sexual Healing Process – Introduction

May 10th, 2011

For almost three years now I have been training in a form of emotion and body centred psychotherapy called Hakomi. This method, the life work of visionary Ron Kurtz who just recently passed away, is a synthesis of ancient spiritual practices and the most leading edge science on the workings of the brain/mind/emotion/body phenomena.

I want to be clear that I’m not yet a certified Hakomi practitioner and what happens in my sessions with clients is not pure Hakomi. However through my study and practice of Hakomi I’ve gained powerful tools and an understanding of the healing process which has greatly influenced my work as a sexual healer. I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time.

My desire in this writing process is to advance the conversation around hands-on sexual healing into the realm of science while keeping it accessible to people. Right now there is way too much of a spiritual, new age, Tantra bias in my profession. It really turns most people away I believe. I’d like to remove that barrier so that more people will be attracted to this work as practitioners and clients. On a personal note I’ve changed the tagline for my website from “Where Spirit and Senses Unite” to “Feel the Power of Erotic Freedom” to reflect my own move away from this spiritual bias. Not that this work isn’t spiritual, it’s just that talking about the spiritual is better left to poets.

Another reason for my writing is to organize my own knowledge and experience. I believe that I’m actually one of quite a small number of people who are practicing hands on sexual healing work and engaging in a rigorous certification process in a recognized psychotherapeutic modality. So my perspective is rare and important.

This is my own first attempt at organizing an immense amount of theory and experience into a coherent whole so please bear with me. It’s not going to come out in a single entry to my blog. There are going to be lots of them. I think if I am able to get a posting out once every couple of weeks (or once a month) I’ll be doing well. There’s a book in here somewhere.

So broadly mapping out the territory here’s what I’d like to have a look at:

• Defining, in general terms, what “healing” is.
• Describing the elements of the therapeutic relationship. The importance of safety, client/therapist connection, and loving-presence which are paradoxically both the goals of the healing process and the context within which the healing process occurs.
• An understanding of holographic nature of human beingness or how our neural/emotional/biological/cognitive/perceptional/behavioural/interpersonal relationship processes all affect each other and influence the entire system. This is going to be a wide ranging look at the science around core emotional systems, the adaptive unconscious, attachment theory, developmental psychology, neural plasticity and evolutionary neural biology. (Oh God I really hope I don’t get in over my head here.)
• The importance of mindfulness (in the Buddhist sense) in the healing process, especially developing the capacity to stay in awareness of the sensorimotor aspect of being (or how learning to be embodied is key to the healing process).
• Reframing the healing process as, experimental and playful self-study of unconscious survival adaptations leading to freedom and choice, rather than, fixing something that’s wrong.
• The role of physical and emotional nourishment. How getting “the missing experience” changes everything and how the practice of engaging in sexual touch with your therapist (ok we’re in radical territory here, I know) can be a really good thing.
• An understanding of the cultural biases around sexuality, especially shame, and how integrating sexuality in all of it’s aspects (lust, nurture, play, exploration, socio-bonding and spirituality) into the whole of one’s being is an essential part of the healing and self-actualization process.

Ok as I write this down I know I am setting myself up for a big task (or a big failure). So I ask you to bear with me and even help me out if you can. If you don’t understand something please let me know. If you have a personal experience which elucidates a point I am trying to make please share it with me. If you think I am way off the mark please correct me. If you are at home waiting for the next instalment please write me and encourage me to get writing. Really I can’t do this alone.

For myself, since this is my first crack at this – and it’s a blog not a book at this point. I’m giving myself permission to not get it perfect and to write in a way which works for me instead of worrying too much about my punctuation and my audience. I trust that those who need to get this will get it.

That’s it for today. Stay tuned.

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The Journey to Erotic Self-expression

March 29th, 2011

There are times in life when the erotic spark just disappears. The loss of a relationship is a good example. If one’s erotic life is inspired by a significant Other, then losing Them can be devastating. But loss, accompanied with appropriate grieving of course, also makes room for something new to emerge.

Even when nothing as dramatic as the loss of a lover happens, there are natural ebbs and flows to our erotic self-expression. I notice myself how I go through spells of excitement and boredom. For a while I’ll really be into a new sex toy, a new author, or a new video that gets me turned on. Or I’ll get into some embodied practice like breathwork, meditation, or a tantric ritual that excites me for a spell…and then it doesn’t. I have to admit I’m fickle and easily bored.

For me there is a natural acceptance of these ebbs and flows. But I’ve never let the ebbs turn into stagnant backwaters. There is danger in neglect – if you don’t use it you do lose it – and this is certainly true with our erotic muscles, literally, as in our pelvic floor muscles, and figuratively, in our ability to get fired up, turned on, and really let go into our desire.

I do see a lot of people in my practice that have neglected their erotic expression for far too long and as a result they feel dead and lost. Usually there are other diseases of body and mind that have moved in as well. If the hearth is cold, the house gets moldy – here on the West Coast especially. For these folks the journey to erotic self-expression is also an important journey of self-transformation.

I love taking people on that journey because there is so much room for diverse and soulful activities and so much reward. There is a natural instinct in us to heal and, I believe, that erotic energy is both the fuel and the destination.

On that journey my favourite vehicle is of course erotic bodywork. Massage is always a nourishing place to go when it can be received. But for some people erotic massage is too-much-too-fast. In those cases we’ll often start by talking about their erotic history or dreams. We’ll try to discover the fragments and rough sketches of an erotic narrative that can be filled in and brought to life. Often times there is a well formed story already written but what’s lacking is some impetus to move it into the production phase. That push, from thought into action, is often simply having a bit of permission and a friendly co-conspirator – me.

Whatever the way forward, and there are so many directions and ways to enter the journey, it rarely happens instantly. And you won’t get there without putting some courage and energy into it. We’re talking the C-word here … Commitment.

The lack of commitment to the journey is a big source of sadness for me. I’ll see a client once or a few times and we’ll make some real progress. But not enough progress for them. In this speedy-digital-consumer-culture people want results NOW, preferably online and downloadable for free.

Or they’ll come in with some preconceived idea about what the journey (into what is fundamentally a mystery) will look like and they’ll get discouraged when the reality that unfolds is much different. Ironically if they could only accept what IS they would see how powerful, imaginative and wickedly funny the Universe can be. But alas, not getting their little version, they give up on the journey. It makes me want to cry. Believe me, I have lots of practice grieving the lost opportunities in my work.

If only people could believe in themselves and commit to the journey even just for a few months. The places they’d go. The new things they’d discover. They’d be awe struck at how their erotic self-expression could be renewed and could become the foundation for a life lived passionately. Who wouldn’t want that??

The nice thing is… you don’t have to journey alone.

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Becoming A Touch Centred Sex Educator and Therapist

April 13th, 2010

The title of my website is Massage By Ki implies massage and you might wonder what the link is between massage and Sex Education and Therapy. It seems like quite a jump.

Well I think that telling my personal story of how I got into this work and how it is evolving might make it easier to understand.

Years ago I quit my former jobs as a white water raft guide and environmentalist and I took up massage. I took some training in Lomi Lomi massage and Thai massage and although I wasn’t officially licensed but I really loved massage and I was good at it.

Being unlicensed, I got a lot of requests from people, men especially, to massage their whole body including their genitals. At first I was righteously and indignantly opposed to the idea. That was just wrong and bad! In hindsight I can see how I had not worked through my shame and fear around sex, never mind sexual touch for money.

Then one day a beautiful young woman came to see me for a relaxation massage. We got to talking during the session and she told me how she did sexual massage, ran her own porn production company, and did professional dominatrix work. This woman was not a victim. She was radiant with life energy and confidence. I was inspired. Something inside of me shifted.

I starting questioning myself, “Really what is my problem with sexual touch? Why am I so uptight about it? Why do I touch people’s body all over except for their sexual organs? What message am I sending to people?”

Well I decided the answers to those questions were all based in some narrow minded morality and sex-negativity that I didn’t really agree with. So I just decided to change the way I thought and what I was doing. Actually it’s truer to say that I changed what I was doing and the way I thought eventually changed too.

So in my massage practice I just jumped into the deep end and started advertising that I did erotic massage, or “full-body” massage as we say in the biz, as well as my regular relaxation massage.

My work became a challenging and interesting learning environment to say the least. Immediately boundaries became an issue – a lot of people, men and women, wanted more sexual play than just an erotic massage. In some sessions I felt like I went further than I wanted to. Communication was difficult too – many people wanted an erotic experience, but they didn’t know what it was they wanted exactly, or they were too ashamed to express it to me, and I was left trying to figure it out. Needless to say there were mixed results – some sessions were deeply unsatisfying for me and my clients. I had lots of my own unresolved issues around sex that got activated while working with clients. At times I’d get my own needs and desires mixed up with those of my clients. Or I’d try to please my clients without really knowing what they wanted. In short, it was pretty messy in those early days.

It didn’t really help that there wasn’t much in the way of mentorship or community. Most people doing erotic massage and sex work are in it for expediency. It’s not their calling, it just pays the bills. They don’t spend a lot of time in self-development and self-reflection or connecting with others in their community.

I think what helped me most in those early days was a strong community of friends who I was open with about my work, my own personal meditation practice of Vipassana, a lot of self love and forgiveness, and a genuine interest in this work and helping people. Even with the challenges, the balance of my experiences were very positive. I learned a lot about myself and my relationship to sex. I got a front row seat on the huge diversity of sexual problems and desires that people have.

After a few months of doing it myself, I started looking for teachers to help me on my journey. My first was Maryse Côté. She is tantra teacher who has devoted her life to this work. I took a couple of 2 week tantra intensives with her and also became her assistant helping her organize and run other trainings. I learned so much from Maryse. I love and respect her dearly. Her teaching had a focus on tantric ritual, erotic massage and the sacredness of sex.

It was a good start but not enough. I found out pretty quickly that when you touch someone, especially when you touch their genitals, you aren’t just touching their body, you are touching their whole history with sex, and their emotions, beliefs and meanings about sex, themselves and the world. Unfortunately Maryse didn’t explicitly teach about how to deal with that tangled web. Certainly she is a master at doing it herself but she didn’t really teach it. It’s only years later that I could even understand what I was needing at the time but wasn’t getting.

So I kept looking for guidance and I kept doing my work with my clients – to be honest they were my best teachers. I believe that it there is no such thing as a sex expert – because the erotic and sexual are just so personal – every single person has a different story and experience. Sure there are themes – for example most people have a lot of shame around sex – but each person is so unique.

My next teacher was Dr. Joseph Kramer. Dr. Kramer is truly an erotic education pioneer. He started the Body Electric school, an innovative series of workshops focusing on attaining ecstatic states by combining breathwork and erotic massage. He is a master at creating experiential erotic learning environments using massage. He even had the vision and drive to create an academic program and a certified profession, Sexological Bodywork, in California. This program is taught in San Francisco at an accredited university, the Institute for Advanced Study in Human Sexuality.

I signed up for this training as soon as I found out about it. I thought, “Wow here is something accredited that includes sex and touch – that’s leading edge.” The training gave me some important pieces that I needed for my work like technical training in using breathwork and massage but more importantly it gave me a whole new perspective on using bodywork as a modality for teaching people about themselves. There were some rare unusual teachings as well, like masturbation coaching and anal massage. The course also had some great reading material like Jack Morin’s book “The Erotic Mind” which expanded my understanding about the erotic as a mental construct not just a physical response. Ironically, I would say that the Sexological Bodywork training treated the erotic mostly as a physical response.

Good as it was the pieces that were still missing for me from the training were boundaries and dealing with people’s emotions and psychological material. Sexological Bodyworkers are supposed to work with talk therapists who will take care of that material – Sexological Bodyworkers are just supposed to educate people about “erotic embodiment”.

Yeah right. In my experience that’s not very realistic for two reasons. First, I don’t work in California and I can’t get professional certification and insurance so no talk therapist will refer clients to me because of liability issues involved in using sexual touch. By the way I’ve never had a single complaint in this regard. Second, the psychological/emotional material that arises during a Sexological Bodywork session is ideally dealt with in the moment when it arises. In that moment a window to the unconscious opens briefly (a memory arises, an emotion is felt) and a skilled therapist can use that opening to help their client complete a healing process (come to a new understanding or make a new meaning around an old unresolved experience) before the window closes and the material disappears into the unconscious once again. I can only even begin to describe this process after years of my own training, especially with Hakomi, and coming to understand the therapeutic process. So there was a lot in the Sexological Bodywork training that was great and a lot was missing – for me anyways.

One of the unexpected benefits of taking the Sexological Bodywork training was that I met a woman named Betty Martin. She became another one of my teachers. Betty is dedicated to bringing a level of professionalism and ethics to the practice of using erotic touch for healing and education. More than anyone I know, Betty understands boundaries and erotic communication and how that influences the flow of erotic energy and satisfaction that people get in an intimate interaction. She has devised a conceptual model in this area which I believe is revolutionary. And she has devised a way teaching that conceptual model in real life situations between people – be they lovers or a practitioner and a client. A lot of Betty’s work on boundaries comes out the Cuddle Party culture. One of my favourite Cuddle Party sayings is, “You can’t truly say Yes until you feel completely comfortable and empowered to say No.” That has become one of my core teachings for people that come to see me for sexual healing and education work. Learning to know what their No is and speak it.

Betty’s teaching gave me a huge piece around erotic boundaries and communication. I was already learning the hard way, hit and miss with my clients, but her work just made it explicit and teachable for me. It totally shifted my practice.

The world is quite remarkable in that it does respond to who we are. After the Sexological Bodywork training and my studies with Betty I started attracting more challenging clients in my practice. When I first started doing erotic touch most of my clients were men who would come for a one time pleasure experience. I don’t have a problem with that, I still do plenty of those types of sessions. Even in those single sessions which are “just for pleasure” there can be an immense amount of sexual healing and learning that happens as a side effect if I give my complete presence and a lot empathy to someone, which is what I always try to do.

For example, I can’t tell you the number of times a man, after getting a great massage with a release, has spontaneously opened up to share some important event from his sexual history, usually painful in some way. All he needs is for me to hear them, to look at them with compassion, and to just be with them for a moment in a quiet non-judgmental space. Something shifts, some deep tension in his body lets go and there is a new possibility for joy in his life. It’s wonderful.

But after Betty’s training I started to get clients who would come to see me for multiple sessions with specific or general problems they wanted to address. There were a couple of women that I saw weekly over the course of a year with serious problems around knowing their desire and communicating it – which affected their ability to be satisfied sexually and in their life in general. My work was still focused on massage but there was more talk and inner exploration. I learned a lot from them as I helped them. My biggest personal growth areas were about the delicacy of maintaining such an intimate ongoing connection with someone on a therapeutic basis.

But the missing piece for me was still how to skillfully deal with people’s emotions and belief systems – how they see themselves and the world especially in the context of desire, the erotic and the sexual. That inner world is murky, complex and fraught with fear and shame. All of my trainings skirted around the edges of dealing with it – either ignore it or send them off to another expert. That didn’t work for me.

By sheer chance I stumbled upon Hakomi. Hakomi sounds like some foreign metaphysical therapy but it is actually a very new form of body centred, somatic, depth psychotherapy. It’s based in mindfulness, loving presence and all of the new brain science.

Ron Kurtz, the creator of Hakomi, calls it assisted self-study. In Hakomi you do not look upon the client as a person in crisis seeking therapeutic help but rather a person curious about getting to know themselves better. It reminds me of the writing above the entrance to ancient Greek oracle at Delphi, “Know Thyself”. I like that – it’s empowering. At the time of writing this article I have been studying and using Hakomi for 2 years.

Hakomi uses the body and touch as a way to access the unconscious mind, emotions and beliefs so that they can be examined and changed. And the learning of Hakomi has nothing to do with reading books but rather practicing how to enter into a deep resonance with clients and create a space of trust and communication where healing can happen without effort. It was the last major piece that I had been missing in my work and really gave me the confidence to work on a mental and emotional level with my clients and not just their bodies. Nobody in the Hakomi world as far as I know is doing sexual touch.

I’ve actually become somewhat circumspect about just jumping right into doing erotic massage with someone who wants to do deeper work in finding more freedom and choice in the areas of sex and the erotic. A lot of people come to me out of desperation and think that they need something radical like a tantric massage to “breakthrough their resistances” or “remove their blocks”. Sure they could possibly have a great “WOW” experience with a tantric massage but it often doesn’t translate into anything useful for their day to day life. It’s similar to the “workshop effect”. If you have ever done a weekend personal growth workshop and feel like a new person on Sunday evening but by Wednesday morning you have a hard time remembering what you learned and life looks pretty much then you know what I’m talking about here.

These days I’m looking to create more lasting changes in people. To do that requires spending more time creating a deep trust with clients and teaching them about mindfulness and communication before we get into erotic touch. After studying Hakomi I use much far less sexual touch to do far more sexual healing.

So it feels at this point I have all the major pieces in place for my sex education and therapy work. But I have to say that I still feel very much like a beginner. And to be honest I feel comfortable with that. Beginners mind and being open to the spontaneous rather than “knowing” is the appropriate response to have when dealing with sexuality. So much of what the experts know about sexuality is dead wrong in my opinion. It’s much better to just approach each person as a mystery and create a loving space where they can discover themselves.

That being said I am constantly digesting new material about sex, the erotic and sexual healing. My education will never be done.

For example, I recently became very much interested in the work of Esther Perel the author of Mating in Captivity. Here is a woman who has deeply examined the elements that give rise to, or kill, the erotic in long term loving relationships. This is especially interesting to me because so many of the individuals and couples who come to me seeking help are in relationships that are devoid of the erotic. I’m also interested on a personal basis because I am in a committed relationship with a 7 month old baby and I’m feeling like my old erotic identity has evaporated and I’m searching for a new one. Often my own life is a fertile field for learning about sex in ways that I can bring to my clients.

So bringing it into the present, if I had to describe my area of “expertise” it would be in using touch and mindfulness to help people develop mastery in what I would call the “satisfaction cycle”. It goes something like this:

- Feeling safe with intimacy. Which depends largely on developing healthy boundaries e.g. being able to say No and Yes and feeling like you have sovereignty over your body and personal space.
- Feeling good about enjoying eroticism and sexuality. Or in other words seeing yourself as an erotic and sexual being and that being a good thing which means getting over sexual shame.
- Knowing what it is that will satisfy you, referenced from yourself, especaily by paying attention to what your body is telling you. This is in contrast to the default position that most people have which is trying to please someone else and give them what they want.
- Communicating your desires to another person which requires specific erotic communication skills which may be verbal or non-verbal. This also requires self confidence.
- Receiving and enjoying what you asked for. Receiving touch is a definitely a learned skill. In our touch starved culture there are a lot of people who don’t have it. Getting the touch you want might also require that you be able to teach another person how to do it. This is another skill.
- Allowing the cycle to repeat over and over and deepening into your satisfaction, pleasure and the connection with yourself and your partner. This is the ultimate goal.

Every step of the way there is stuff hidden in the unconscious, habits and beliefs, that will sabotage the process and keep you from fully getting the pleasure and satisfaction you want. I don’t know anyone who is completely satisfied and at peace with their erotic life, there is always another level of erotic mastery that can be attained.

So there you have it. That’s a “brief” history of my evolution from a masseur to a Pleasure and Touch Centred Sex Educator and Therapist. Thank you for taking the time to read all the way through this 3000 word treatise. If you want to talk more about how I might be able to help you please drop me a line at info@massagebyki.com or call me at 604-618-3381. I offer an initial free consultation of 45 minutes. Go ahead take a chance – all you’ve got to lose is the stuff that’s keeping you from having the erotic satisfaction that you desire.


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Erotic Education and Sex-Negativity

March 24th, 2010

I often teach classes about sex – erotic massage, sexual communication, tantra and the like. Of course most people are just too anxious to even consider coming to a class about sex. Which leads me into a discussion on why that is.

The main reason is, “On some level we are all afraid and ashamed of sex.”

This is no surprise. We live in a profoundly sex-negative culture. Beliefs like, “If I enjoy sex I am a bad person” or “Sex is scary and messy” are conditioned into us from an early age and operate powerfully on our emotions under the surface of our consciousness. Read my friend John Ince’s book The Politics of Lust to get a detailed analysis about the pervasiveness of sex-negativity in our culture and it’s effect on our psyches.

So for most people the mere idea of attending a sex class creates an instant and powerful aversion that is not rational. It does not come from your thinking brain, your neo-cortex, it comes from your feeling/emotional brain also known as the limbic brain.

Check it out for yourself. Just imagine yourself attending a sex class and notice what arises in your thoughts, emotions and body sensations. Seriously try it out. Just take a few deep breaths then imagine attending a sex class and see what happens.

(Pause)

See what I mean. I’m sure the first thing that came up was not pleasant. Perhaps it was a feeling of disgust. Or perhaps you imagined yourself being embarrassed with somebody seeing your body. Or maybe there was a tightening in your belly. Maybe you even imagined some scary stranger making unwanted sexual advances on you.

By the way, what you just did was called a mindfulness experiment – imagining something and then curiously observing your inner reactions to what you imagined.

Interesting isn’t it? Now maybe some of you didn’t have a negative reaction but I would bet most of you did. I’m not saying that you are wrong or bad for having these kind of reactions. It’s not your fault, it’s your conditioning. But my question to you is, “Do you want to have a fantastic sex life and all the health and emotional benefits that go with it, or do you want to let all that sex-negative conditioning continue to suck the vitality and joy out of you?”

You do have choice in the matter. My experience in leading and attending many sex classes is that they yank those nasty sex-negative weeds out of my otherwise beautiful garden of delight which is my natural, God-given, erotic, sensual, sexual being.

“How?” you may ask.

Well the most important thing is the transformative power of community. When you see faces of people at a class – their fears, anxiety and stress about being there, and when you see their courage as well, then you feel your own courage.

And at a certain point in the class something shifts and everyone relaxes and realizes, “This is ok. I’m safe. This is fun and I’m learning new things.” To be in community, your erotic sangha, in the light of day, creates powerful and positive new beliefs about sex like, “It’s good to feel and express my sexual desire!”

The next thing of course is that you can actually learn amazing things about sexual pleasure – how to give it and receive it – that you couldn’t even imagine before. I’m talking real erotic mastery here – learning about the power of your body and sexual pleasure and using that power to nourish yourself and your relationships.

One more thing is just being in the presence of a sex educator. It’s inspiring to see how they model a healthy relationship to sex. It’s just so out of the norm for our culture for anyone to talk openly and easily about sex.

Thats how going to sex class will help you get rid of that nasty sex-negative conditioning.

Ok then why not check out my site and see what classes I’m offering and sign up.
Massage By Ki Classes


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Learning Massage, Learning to Live

January 27th, 2010

This article was written by one of my erotic massage students, Paul. It’s inspiring! He has more writings on his blog The Listing Bucketeer
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My wife and I have always enjoyed receiving a good massage.
Mostly we’d fill the need by heading out to the local clinic or spa, but we also read a few books and took the occasional class on massage techniques. I tried diligently to apply them.

Yet I struggled with how to give my partner the kind of massage experience that I know I like to receive. As a ‘geek’ who earned his living in a technical profession, I’d never thought of myself as very skilled in the physical department. My kinesthetic sense is ‘poorly developed’. I imagined I would never be very good, and that I would still have to send her out to a spa for the best treatment. When I was giving a massage, I had to check the clock frequently to make sure I didn’t shortchange her. It never crossed my mind that I could enjoy giving a massage as much as receiving one.

Lately, however, I seem to be getting better. Without effort, the massages I give are now longer. Even my wife tells me I’ve improved.

Reflecting upon my breakthrough, I saw that the massage lessons I’d begun to absorb had important applications to all of my life. Practicing massage had now become practicing life. I can now thank the good instructors I’ve had, not just for teaching me how to offer physical nurturing, but also about being present and accomplished in the world.

In the spirit of heartfelt thanks, here are some of the lessons they’ve taught me, and a few hints on the value they’ve brought to my life away from the massage table. I’ll start with one of the most important lessons I learned, my massage epiphany.

Keep your attention on your hands: your hands must receive pleasure as well as give it. Look for and treasure the physical sensations that are present in every act of touch. You need only pay heed to them and they are yours. The same applies to life. If I pay attention my point of contact with the world – in whatever I am doing – I can find pleasure in the doing of it. I have only to focus. When I locate that joy and passion in whatever I’m doing, I am so much more creative and productive that it amazes me without end.

Maximize the amount of contact in the hands. Don’t be rigid. Let your hands be soft, and allow them adjust to the contours of the body as you move over it. This greatly enhances the feeling and warmth you can deliver through them. With life and work too. Even as I am working to accomplish some end, being rigid never helps – being adaptable does. Hence, I can try to maximize my contact with the activities I am pursuing by adapting myself continuously to their ‘contours’ as I work with them. I can feel where my efforts meet with resistance and where they are fruitful, and adjust accordingly.

Minimize takeoffs and landings. The best massages have a sense of continuity, a feeling that the hands never leave the body, but simply flow effortlessly from one point to another. In my non-massage life, in this world of multitasking – of a thousand ways to be connected at all times and at any moment – I still find I’m most satisfied when I minimize these interruptions. I’m most productive when I achieve that state of flow that comes from working on something to the exclusion of all other thoughts. I look for that flow, and try to enhance it.

Watch the reactions of your subject. There is rarely value in a motion or technique that has your partner flinching or grimacing. If you see signs of deeper relaxation, you may want to do more of what led to that. Out in the world, I need to employ the same philosophy. It’s easy when I’m hell bent on accomplishing some task to get so absorbed in the activity – in goals and milestones and deliverables – that I fail to notice that I’m not creating the result that’s most important to me. I need to adjust, and I can only do that if I’m paying attention to the results of my actions.

Vary your touch – sometimes hard, sometimes soft. There is no one pressure to use all the time or on every part of the body. Sometimes tired muscles are crying out for deep kneading; at others, just a whisper of warm fingers over sensitive skin is ideal. In daily living, I continue to learn and relearn that there is no one “touch” – no form or style that suits every occasion. There are times when affairs just need a gentle nudge in the right direction; other situations may call for me to put the pedal down and charge straight through. If I’m taking a one-size-fits-all approach to life, I need to wake up.

Explore the unknown. Always deliver your massage in a spirit of discovery. What new contours can you feel as you work? Are there shapes in the muscles or bones that you can learn more about with your touch? Use your attention on your hands to learn new things about the body of the person you’re working on. They too will learn from this. Away from the table, I need to approach every activity with the same spirit of inquiry. What am I learning about this area of life as I work with it? A job or activity pursued without that sense of adventure soon becomes dull and lifeless. Where can I step outside the comfortable boundaries of what I know? When I’m constantly discovering new things, I’m also a much better teacher.

Slow down. It’s almost impossible to go too slowly when giving a massage. Most of the time, you will probably be going too quickly, and will miss important feedback along the way. Your partner will be mentally willing you to linger longer in almost every movement. Oblige them. In my life, I’ve found myself rushing as well. How many times, I race through an activity with a sense of urgency, only to find that I have to do it over. Even worse, I finish a task successfully only to find that it was really something else that needed doing instead. I would have noticed if I’d just taken a moment to reflect along the way.

You have to be relaxed and comfortable in order to give the best massage. If you’re feeling pain because you’re hunched over the table in some awkward position, your partner will sense your discomfort, and will not be able to relax either. Make sure you look after yourself first. How many times have I forgotten that lesson in life! How many times have I struggled unproductively on some deadline, when what I really needed was to take a break? Maybe go outside or do some exercise or get some sleep – or just do something different for a while until I’m ready to tackle my task freshly. Usually I tell myself I don’t have time to relax. Afterwards, I see I wasted far more time running on three cylinders. Looking after me is essential to looking after my purpose in the world.

Be grounded: maintain your presence. You can’t give a good massage if your mind has left your body and is off doing other things. Feel the earth with your feet on the ground, breathe fully, and bring your attention back to the here and now. With other endeavors, I am constantly amazed at how that little exercise of reestablishing my physical presence enhances my ability to deal with life’s challenges. I must be a little dense, though, because I still seem to forget this lesson about a hundred times a day! Breathe!

Create a time and place where you will avoid interruptions. You can’t deliver the ideal massage experience if the phone is ringing, the kids are interrupting, or you have to leave in the middle to move the laundry. With every other task I undertake, the same applies. It pays off when I take that little bit of effort at the outset to ensure that I can do my work without needless interruptions. That’s true whether I’m in a business meeting, pruning the roses, or having friends over for the evening. I might even shut down my email before writing that piece I’ve been planning!

Don’t watch the clock. There’s no rule that says a massage has to be a certain length. If you’re relaxed, if you maintain your presence, if you pay heed to your partner’s reactions, and especially if you focus on enjoying the feeling in your own hands as you work, it will be just long enough for both of you. The same goes for life.

Your technique is less important than your engagement. Don’t worry too much about mastering all kinds of special strokes. Study only when it moves you, but always make sure that you are enjoying what you are doing. If you’re not, the best techniques in the world will not satisfy the person who’s receiving them. Ah, this is a lesson I have struggled much with in life. I think I need to learn this new skill before I can try that activity. I need this training before I can do that job. I need this certificate before I can tackle that career. It’s not so. Do the activity that moves me, apply for the job that excites me, choose the career that calls to me, and the learning will come with it. I still need to take this lesson to heart!

Don’t worry about getting it right. You don’t have to be perfect in order to give your partner a great massage. Focus on your intention, the gift you wish to deliver with your massage. Do whatever it takes to enjoy the giving of it as much as they enjoy the receiving. Accomplish that and you’ll do better than just getting it right. I find this an even more challenging lesson for life. Getting it right has been my mantra. Turned around, it’s been my straightjacket: never make a mistake. Employing this lesson from massage, I try to remember that mistakes are Nature’s way of letting me know I’m still alive. Focus on my intention, and despite my warts, I can still contribute something wonderful to the world.

There is much value in stillness. Sometimes you just need to pause with your hands on your partner’s body. Feel the points of contact, their body rising and falling with their breath. Be aware of your own breath in communion with theirs. Feel the stillness within you and around you. Stay with this longer than you think you need to. In my workaday life, too, there is much value in stillness: taking time to meditate or reflect on life and my place in it; walking in a deep wood or watching the ocean; relaxing to a peaceful piece of music. It’s also invaluable to stay with this inactivity a bit longer than I think I need to.

Take joy in doing a great job. Revel in your partner’s relaxation. Comment on her peaceful expression. Give yourself credit for a gift well given. For sure, this is another important life lesson I so often forget. I finish one task and I’m on to the next. I march through life without pausing to acknowledge my accomplishment: reminding myself how much I wanted to achieve my objective yet how insurmountable it looked when I set out. When I run on automatic without stopping to pat myself on the back from time to time, life soon starts to feel like a treadmill: all motion but never arriving anywhere. It’s time to step off for a while.

Remember, there is a time to give and a time to receive. The best practitioners of massage always make sure to get their own massage needs well met. This greatly enhances their ability to deliver. Besides, what’s life without a good massage from time to time? Now, where is that wonderful woman when I need her?
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Great words of wisdom indeed. I love it when my “students” surprise me with their mastery. If you would like to learn how to give and receive a great massage I encourage to come see me or check out one of my classes.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


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