Archive for December, 2009

Honouring Desire

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

I’m going to start this post with a personal story.

My spiritual journey started with Buddhist meditation. I had my first true spiritual energetic experience, a direct experience of God, while doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After that, for many years, I meditated in silence and stillness for at least 2 hours a day.

Somehow, not fully understanding the teachings, I began to believe that what I desired was the cause of all my suffering. I convinced myself that if I just sat on my desires long enough, especially sexual desires, and endured the physical sensations and emotions they evoked, which could best be described as a ride on a burning roller coaster, that I would achieve Enlightenment.

I smile at my naiveté. My desires eventually won out, thankfully, after years of self-inflicted poverty and intense loneliness. I have since come to know and understand that on Earth, in this fleshy form called a body, honouring my desires and seeking their fulfilment with courage, compassion and love is an empowering spiritual practice.

As with all spiritual practice there are fears to face. When you seek to fulfil your desires you are vulnerable. You may get rejected and hurt. You may become uncomfortably aware of some moral dogma, that was programmed into you, that told you your desires were sinful and that you would be punished if you indulged them. Maybe you actually were punished by parents or others in positions of power when you were young. I would go as far to say that all of us, in this culture which is so repressed around healthy sexuality, have been punished to some degree with guilt and shame.

I’ve also known too many people who, like myself, in the name of spiritual attainment, are not transcending their Earthly desires, just suppressing them. Their suppressed desires turn into physical disease or depression. On the other extreme these denied desires manifest as addiction — to food, drugs, work or loveless sex to name a few.

Honouring our desires is deep work. Here’s a few suggestions to help in the process.

Source your desire in your body. Get your self into a quiet place with no distractions and ask your body, your heart, your belly and your genitals, “What do you desire?” Pay close attention and see what your body says to you. It may speak to you in sensations, emotions and images that you may have to sit with for a while to understand. Journaling, dancing, drumming, or making art can help you decode the body’s messages. This is not a rational, logical, left brain process but rather an intuitive knowing. If you are ruled by thoughts and the nagging voices in your head, this process may take some practice.

Own your desire. Celebrate your desire. Even if it seems unclear how that desire might be met. Practice being at peace with your desire without judging or condemning yourself. If you say to yourself, “No I can’t possibly have that” or “I don’t deserve that”, then take a look inside and see where those limiting beliefs might come from. After you do that, see if you can create a new belief like, “It’s healthy to have desires and to have them fulfilled.”

Express your desire. Well after all that effort of sourcing and owning your desire you might as well go for it and take some action to make it real. It’s been my experience that my world consistently organizes around my words and actions. It takes courage to ask for what you desire but even if the immediate answer is “No” you’ll feel empowered for making the effort. And if you can ask without guilt, fear or shame you will pleasantly surprised to often receive what you want and more. Life is abundant and generous.

Volumes could be written on Honouring Desire. If you would like some personal coaching in this area please feel free to contact me.  Also my classes in Erotic Massage are a good place to practice honouring your desires in the realm of intimate touch. Good luck, have fun with it, and practice, practice, practice!

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Communication Skills, Love and Sex, Spiritual Practice | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

7 Breaths To Erotic Aliveness

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

My clients tend to be very successful and busy with their career and their families. They need ways to relax and feel more erotically alive while on the go. Here’s a “micro-practice” I often share with them which I call Global Breathing.

First, here’s how to approach Global Breathing.

Seek the pleasure, make this fun. Breathing by its very nature is a sensual erotic activity, so look for that quality in this practice.

Only breathe as far as your body will allow – don’t try to muscle through any resistance. Awareness of body sensations and movement in this practice is what brings about the positive effects not physical strain. One millimeter of pleasant expansion into an area which is tight and sore is much better than a big, forced, deep breath.

So take it easy and don’t worry about getting it right.

Find a natural pause in your day for this practice. A few minutes before a scheduled meeting. The space between switching tasks. Going from inside a building to the outdoors. Before eating. Waiting for your computer to boot up.

Do it for just 7 breaths intentionally  (about a minute or so) then leave it and go back to your other activities. Come back to the practice often during the day.

So here’s the practice. Breathe in through the nose very slowly. Feel for the breath expanding the following places in the body: the pelvic floor, the belly, the lower back, the solar plexus and ribs, the mid back, the upper chest and the shoulder blades. Do it sequentially and systematically in that order – like you are filling your torso from bottom to top with a warm liquid. When you have felt the breath in all of these places, immediately exhale with no effort. Don’t hold the breath. Let the exhale just “fall out” as the torso shrinks in size. When the exhale is complete then immediately start the next inhale. Get into an easy steady pace as you repeat for at least 7 breaths or a couple of minutes.

If you can’t feel the breath expanding some of these places then just imagine it expanding them. Remember – expand only as far as feels pleasant without strain.

You can make it even more erotic by thinking of your breath as a lover’s caress.

I invite you to try it right now. Again don’t worry about getting it right. Just be aware of what happens and how your body feels before and after a minute of this practice. This one practice alone can bring immense erotic liveliness a habitual way of being in your life.

If you’d like personal coaching in this breathing and other ways of becoming more erotically alive please contact me for a personal session.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Energy | No Comments »

Massage Yourself not Just Your Online Dating Profile

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

I have many friends who are searching for love and connection via online dating sites. My friends are spending hours flirting, chatting, writing emails, arranging dates, and “massaging their profiles” in their quest for love and sex.

It’s a challenging game. Unanswered emails, getting stood up, and bad dates are all too common. I really admire anyone who persists. The disappointments far outnumber the successes.

I have a tip to help your chances of success and it has nothing to do with your computer.

It comes from my own experience of attracting my own Beloved into my life.

I had been single for years before meeting her. My love radar was always on high alert. If some poor girl showed the least bit of interest in me, I was all over her like a cheap suit. Sure, I had regular flings but nothing would last long or satisfy me. I wasn’t very attractive in my neediness and desperation.

Eventually I got smart and realized that I had to do something different. I started to focus on my purpose – being a fantastic sex educator and healer. I stopped grasping outside of myself for satisfaction and started using all of my tantric skills to cultivate my own sexual energy.

I’d make time everyday to massage myself – especially those intimate places where there are lots of nerve endings. I’d set my intention and get centred before touching myself. I took my time and wasn’t in a rush to get off. I limited the amount of porn and fantasy I used and instead brought my attention to my own body sensations. I used conscious breathing while touching myself. I tried new techniques and toys and learned new things about my own pleasure. I used a mantra, “I Am My Own Divine Lover” and channelled my orgasmic energy into a vision and an embodied feeling of that mantra. I savoured my solo-loving practice.

Within a couple of months, I had an inner fire burning. I was feeling confident because I was meeting my own needs. Instead of chasing after every woman that came my way, I quietly contained my energy. My lady friends took notice. They would come up to me and say, “Ki what have you been doing? You’ve changed. You’re looking so good.”

I’d smile and say, “I’m practicing loving myself.”

It’s true that we attract what we put out in the world. In that state of being my Own Divine Lover my Beloved soon showed up in the flesh. Our connection was magical and still is. Jessica and I have been together 3 years and we have a 3 month old son who is the delight of our lives.

So to all you singles my advice is to add some more time massaging yourself as well as massaging your online profile. Give yourself so much sensual pleasure and love that your cup overflows. You’ll be amazed at who shows up to have a drink.

I’m available for private sessions for men and women who would like coaching in this empowering practice of self-massage and solo-loving. Obstacles do come up and a supportive coach can make the difference between success and failure. You’re worth it!

Ki
604-618-3381
Massage By Ki


Posted in Breathing, Dating, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

Tips For Giving Great Sensual Touch

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Giving great sensual touch with your hands is the most important sexual skill you can have.  If your sex life isn’t as satisfying as  you’d like it, before rushing off to get a new sex toy, try improving your touch skills with these few easy tips. You can practice them with your partner or with yourself.

#1 – Breathe

Centre and energize yourself by breathing comfortably into your belly for a minute or two before touching. The key word here is comfortably. Don’t force your breathe or strain yourself to “breathe deeply”.  Rather, just notice your breath in your body and expand it just a little bit more on the inhale and let it go effortlessly on the exhale. While touching, keep your breath moving – don’t hold it. The more you breathe the more you feel.

#2 Pay attention to the physical sensations in your hands

Energy flows where attention goes. The simple act of paying attention to the physical sensations in your hands, like heat, pressure and the texture of your lover’s skin, will make your touch feel electric. Conversely, if your attention is elsewhere, like all the emails you have to answer, then your touch will feel empty and mechanical.

#3 Soften your hands into the shape of the body part you’re touching

Relax and soften your hands to fit body part you are touching. This increases the surface area of contact and helps you to feel more. Tension masks sensation so keep your hands soft. Stiff hands feel yucky to your partner.

#4 Move your hands slowly

Slow touch just naturally feels more sensual. Try moving as slow as you can and then go even slower.

#5 Let your hands be still and just hold

Find a place to rest your hands.  Perhaps one hand on her heart and one hand on her vulva or his penis and just rest in stillness and silence for several minutes.  Remember to breathe, paying attention to the sensations in your hands and keep them soft. You’ll be incredibly surprised at how your hands will heat up and fill with energy and pleasant sensations that will connect you deeply to your partner.

As with any practice that involves using your body in new ways you have to actually do it over and over again to learn it.  Coaching from an expert like myself will help you immensely.  Please contact me to arrange a session for you, or you and your partner.

Ki

604-618-3381
Massage By Ki

All the best sex techniques in the world won’t amount to anything if you can’t do them in a way that feels good.


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Touch Skills | Comments Off

Finding Pleasure

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

One of the joys of having a body is feeling pleasure. But how often, when we are having sex, are we actually feeling pleasure? I’ll use a personal story to make my point.

Not long ago I was getting sexy with my Beloved. We were in the missionary position (it never goes out of style) and I was inside her vigorously pumping away like a sweaty porn star.

Most definitely I was enjoying the playful high energy. Then a thought drifted in from somewhere.

Is there pleasure in what is physically happening to me right now in this moment?

Without stopping the action, I took a moment to direct my attention to the sensations in my penis. I felt pressure, heat and friction; but, these sensations could only be described as neutral. Not unpleasant but not pleasant either. Taking a scan of my body, I noticed that my butt, pelvic floor and abs were clenched. I felt my breath constrained way up in my chest. My face and neck were tense too. Most definitely not pleasant.

In the next moment, I paused the action and relaxed the muscles in my pelvic floor (everything between my tail bone and my pubic bone) and butt. I felt a drop in the excitement level but was rewarded with a sweeping wave of release that travelled up my spine into my head. My breath eased, dropped deep into my belly, and fell into rhythm with my Beloved’s breath. I felt her body soften as we both shifted slightly to find more comfort.

I restarted moving my hips, this time gently just moving my penis a few millimetres in and out. Instantly a palpable electric connection arose between us. She let out a long deep sigh and I felt my heart swell with love. That was definitely pleasure.

Now I’m not saying that pumping away like a porn star or having tension in your body while having sex is wrong. What I am saying is that there can be a different quality of sexual pleasure, some would say deeper, if you can learn to relax, breathe and be aware.

It’s something that I will often gently coach my clients to do while I am giving them a tantric massage. If you have developed a habit of doing sex with lots of tension and activity it can take some practice to learn some new ways. But these news ways can give you access to a whole new pallet of sexual delights.

Remember…

Pause… Pay attention… Release muscles in tension… Breathe deep… Savour

Practice it with your partner or yourself while self pleasuring. Hey, why not practice it anytime? Find the pleasure in each moment of life.


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