Archive for the ‘Body Sensation Awareness’ Category

Learning Massage, Learning to Live

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

This article was written by one of my erotic massage students, Paul. It’s inspiring! He has more writings on his blog The Listing Bucketeer
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My wife and I have always enjoyed receiving a good massage.
Mostly we’d fill the need by heading out to the local clinic or spa, but we also read a few books and took the occasional class on massage techniques. I tried diligently to apply them.

Yet I struggled with how to give my partner the kind of massage experience that I know I like to receive. As a ‘geek’ who earned his living in a technical profession, I’d never thought of myself as very skilled in the physical department. My kinesthetic sense is ‘poorly developed’. I imagined I would never be very good, and that I would still have to send her out to a spa for the best treatment. When I was giving a massage, I had to check the clock frequently to make sure I didn’t shortchange her. It never crossed my mind that I could enjoy giving a massage as much as receiving one.

Lately, however, I seem to be getting better. Without effort, the massages I give are now longer. Even my wife tells me I’ve improved.

Reflecting upon my breakthrough, I saw that the massage lessons I’d begun to absorb had important applications to all of my life. Practicing massage had now become practicing life. I can now thank the good instructors I’ve had, not just for teaching me how to offer physical nurturing, but also about being present and accomplished in the world.

In the spirit of heartfelt thanks, here are some of the lessons they’ve taught me, and a few hints on the value they’ve brought to my life away from the massage table. I’ll start with one of the most important lessons I learned, my massage epiphany.

Keep your attention on your hands: your hands must receive pleasure as well as give it. Look for and treasure the physical sensations that are present in every act of touch. You need only pay heed to them and they are yours. The same applies to life. If I pay attention my point of contact with the world – in whatever I am doing – I can find pleasure in the doing of it. I have only to focus. When I locate that joy and passion in whatever I’m doing, I am so much more creative and productive that it amazes me without end.

Maximize the amount of contact in the hands. Don’t be rigid. Let your hands be soft, and allow them adjust to the contours of the body as you move over it. This greatly enhances the feeling and warmth you can deliver through them. With life and work too. Even as I am working to accomplish some end, being rigid never helps – being adaptable does. Hence, I can try to maximize my contact with the activities I am pursuing by adapting myself continuously to their ‘contours’ as I work with them. I can feel where my efforts meet with resistance and where they are fruitful, and adjust accordingly.

Minimize takeoffs and landings. The best massages have a sense of continuity, a feeling that the hands never leave the body, but simply flow effortlessly from one point to another. In my non-massage life, in this world of multitasking – of a thousand ways to be connected at all times and at any moment – I still find I’m most satisfied when I minimize these interruptions. I’m most productive when I achieve that state of flow that comes from working on something to the exclusion of all other thoughts. I look for that flow, and try to enhance it.

Watch the reactions of your subject. There is rarely value in a motion or technique that has your partner flinching or grimacing. If you see signs of deeper relaxation, you may want to do more of what led to that. Out in the world, I need to employ the same philosophy. It’s easy when I’m hell bent on accomplishing some task to get so absorbed in the activity – in goals and milestones and deliverables – that I fail to notice that I’m not creating the result that’s most important to me. I need to adjust, and I can only do that if I’m paying attention to the results of my actions.

Vary your touch – sometimes hard, sometimes soft. There is no one pressure to use all the time or on every part of the body. Sometimes tired muscles are crying out for deep kneading; at others, just a whisper of warm fingers over sensitive skin is ideal. In daily living, I continue to learn and relearn that there is no one “touch” – no form or style that suits every occasion. There are times when affairs just need a gentle nudge in the right direction; other situations may call for me to put the pedal down and charge straight through. If I’m taking a one-size-fits-all approach to life, I need to wake up.

Explore the unknown. Always deliver your massage in a spirit of discovery. What new contours can you feel as you work? Are there shapes in the muscles or bones that you can learn more about with your touch? Use your attention on your hands to learn new things about the body of the person you’re working on. They too will learn from this. Away from the table, I need to approach every activity with the same spirit of inquiry. What am I learning about this area of life as I work with it? A job or activity pursued without that sense of adventure soon becomes dull and lifeless. Where can I step outside the comfortable boundaries of what I know? When I’m constantly discovering new things, I’m also a much better teacher.

Slow down. It’s almost impossible to go too slowly when giving a massage. Most of the time, you will probably be going too quickly, and will miss important feedback along the way. Your partner will be mentally willing you to linger longer in almost every movement. Oblige them. In my life, I’ve found myself rushing as well. How many times, I race through an activity with a sense of urgency, only to find that I have to do it over. Even worse, I finish a task successfully only to find that it was really something else that needed doing instead. I would have noticed if I’d just taken a moment to reflect along the way.

You have to be relaxed and comfortable in order to give the best massage. If you’re feeling pain because you’re hunched over the table in some awkward position, your partner will sense your discomfort, and will not be able to relax either. Make sure you look after yourself first. How many times have I forgotten that lesson in life! How many times have I struggled unproductively on some deadline, when what I really needed was to take a break? Maybe go outside or do some exercise or get some sleep – or just do something different for a while until I’m ready to tackle my task freshly. Usually I tell myself I don’t have time to relax. Afterwards, I see I wasted far more time running on three cylinders. Looking after me is essential to looking after my purpose in the world.

Be grounded: maintain your presence. You can’t give a good massage if your mind has left your body and is off doing other things. Feel the earth with your feet on the ground, breathe fully, and bring your attention back to the here and now. With other endeavors, I am constantly amazed at how that little exercise of reestablishing my physical presence enhances my ability to deal with life’s challenges. I must be a little dense, though, because I still seem to forget this lesson about a hundred times a day! Breathe!

Create a time and place where you will avoid interruptions. You can’t deliver the ideal massage experience if the phone is ringing, the kids are interrupting, or you have to leave in the middle to move the laundry. With every other task I undertake, the same applies. It pays off when I take that little bit of effort at the outset to ensure that I can do my work without needless interruptions. That’s true whether I’m in a business meeting, pruning the roses, or having friends over for the evening. I might even shut down my email before writing that piece I’ve been planning!

Don’t watch the clock. There’s no rule that says a massage has to be a certain length. If you’re relaxed, if you maintain your presence, if you pay heed to your partner’s reactions, and especially if you focus on enjoying the feeling in your own hands as you work, it will be just long enough for both of you. The same goes for life.

Your technique is less important than your engagement. Don’t worry too much about mastering all kinds of special strokes. Study only when it moves you, but always make sure that you are enjoying what you are doing. If you’re not, the best techniques in the world will not satisfy the person who’s receiving them. Ah, this is a lesson I have struggled much with in life. I think I need to learn this new skill before I can try that activity. I need this training before I can do that job. I need this certificate before I can tackle that career. It’s not so. Do the activity that moves me, apply for the job that excites me, choose the career that calls to me, and the learning will come with it. I still need to take this lesson to heart!

Don’t worry about getting it right. You don’t have to be perfect in order to give your partner a great massage. Focus on your intention, the gift you wish to deliver with your massage. Do whatever it takes to enjoy the giving of it as much as they enjoy the receiving. Accomplish that and you’ll do better than just getting it right. I find this an even more challenging lesson for life. Getting it right has been my mantra. Turned around, it’s been my straightjacket: never make a mistake. Employing this lesson from massage, I try to remember that mistakes are Nature’s way of letting me know I’m still alive. Focus on my intention, and despite my warts, I can still contribute something wonderful to the world.

There is much value in stillness. Sometimes you just need to pause with your hands on your partner’s body. Feel the points of contact, their body rising and falling with their breath. Be aware of your own breath in communion with theirs. Feel the stillness within you and around you. Stay with this longer than you think you need to. In my workaday life, too, there is much value in stillness: taking time to meditate or reflect on life and my place in it; walking in a deep wood or watching the ocean; relaxing to a peaceful piece of music. It’s also invaluable to stay with this inactivity a bit longer than I think I need to.

Take joy in doing a great job. Revel in your partner’s relaxation. Comment on her peaceful expression. Give yourself credit for a gift well given. For sure, this is another important life lesson I so often forget. I finish one task and I’m on to the next. I march through life without pausing to acknowledge my accomplishment: reminding myself how much I wanted to achieve my objective yet how insurmountable it looked when I set out. When I run on automatic without stopping to pat myself on the back from time to time, life soon starts to feel like a treadmill: all motion but never arriving anywhere. It’s time to step off for a while.

Remember, there is a time to give and a time to receive. The best practitioners of massage always make sure to get their own massage needs well met. This greatly enhances their ability to deliver. Besides, what’s life without a good massage from time to time? Now, where is that wonderful woman when I need her?
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Great words of wisdom indeed. I love it when my “students” surprise me with their mastery. If you would like to learn how to give and receive a great massage I encourage to come see me or check out one of my classes.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Mastery, Spiritual Practice, Touch Skills | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

7 Breaths To Erotic Aliveness

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

My clients tend to be very successful and busy with their career and their families. They need ways to relax and feel more erotically alive while on the go. Here’s a “micro-practice” I often share with them which I call Global Breathing.

First, here’s how to approach Global Breathing.

Seek the pleasure, make this fun. Breathing by its very nature is a sensual erotic activity, so look for that quality in this practice.

Only breathe as far as your body will allow – don’t try to muscle through any resistance. Awareness of body sensations and movement in this practice is what brings about the positive effects not physical strain. One millimeter of pleasant expansion into an area which is tight and sore is much better than a big, forced, deep breath.

So take it easy and don’t worry about getting it right.

Find a natural pause in your day for this practice. A few minutes before a scheduled meeting. The space between switching tasks. Going from inside a building to the outdoors. Before eating. Waiting for your computer to boot up.

Do it for just 7 breaths intentionally  (about a minute or so) then leave it and go back to your other activities. Come back to the practice often during the day.

So here’s the practice. Breathe in through the nose very slowly. Feel for the breath expanding the following places in the body: the pelvic floor, the belly, the lower back, the solar plexus and ribs, the mid back, the upper chest and the shoulder blades. Do it sequentially and systematically in that order – like you are filling your torso from bottom to top with a warm liquid. When you have felt the breath in all of these places, immediately exhale with no effort. Don’t hold the breath. Let the exhale just “fall out” as the torso shrinks in size. When the exhale is complete then immediately start the next inhale. Get into an easy steady pace as you repeat for at least 7 breaths or a couple of minutes.

If you can’t feel the breath expanding some of these places then just imagine it expanding them. Remember – expand only as far as feels pleasant without strain.

You can make it even more erotic by thinking of your breath as a lover’s caress.

I invite you to try it right now. Again don’t worry about getting it right. Just be aware of what happens and how your body feels before and after a minute of this practice. This one practice alone can bring immense erotic liveliness a habitual way of being in your life.

If you’d like personal coaching in this breathing and other ways of becoming more erotically alive please contact me for a personal session.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Energy | No Comments »

Tips For Giving Great Sensual Touch

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Giving great sensual touch with your hands is the most important sexual skill you can have.  If your sex life isn’t as satisfying as  you’d like it, before rushing off to get a new sex toy, try improving your touch skills with these few easy tips. You can practice them with your partner or with yourself.

#1 – Breathe

Centre and energize yourself by breathing comfortably into your belly for a minute or two before touching. The key word here is comfortably. Don’t force your breathe or strain yourself to “breathe deeply”.  Rather, just notice your breath in your body and expand it just a little bit more on the inhale and let it go effortlessly on the exhale. While touching, keep your breath moving – don’t hold it. The more you breathe the more you feel.

#2 Pay attention to the physical sensations in your hands

Energy flows where attention goes. The simple act of paying attention to the physical sensations in your hands, like heat, pressure and the texture of your lover’s skin, will make your touch feel electric. Conversely, if your attention is elsewhere, like all the emails you have to answer, then your touch will feel empty and mechanical.

#3 Soften your hands into the shape of the body part you’re touching

Relax and soften your hands to fit body part you are touching. This increases the surface area of contact and helps you to feel more. Tension masks sensation so keep your hands soft. Stiff hands feel yucky to your partner.

#4 Move your hands slowly

Slow touch just naturally feels more sensual. Try moving as slow as you can and then go even slower.

#5 Let your hands be still and just hold

Find a place to rest your hands.  Perhaps one hand on her heart and one hand on her vulva or his penis and just rest in stillness and silence for several minutes.  Remember to breathe, paying attention to the sensations in your hands and keep them soft. You’ll be incredibly surprised at how your hands will heat up and fill with energy and pleasant sensations that will connect you deeply to your partner.

As with any practice that involves using your body in new ways you have to actually do it over and over again to learn it.  Coaching from an expert like myself will help you immensely.  Please contact me to arrange a session for you, or you and your partner.

Ki

604-618-3381
Massage By Ki

All the best sex techniques in the world won’t amount to anything if you can’t do them in a way that feels good.


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Touch Skills | No Comments »

Finding Pleasure

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

One of the joys of having a body is feeling pleasure. But how often, when we are having sex, are we actually feeling pleasure? I’ll use a personal story to make my point.

Not long ago I was getting sexy with my Beloved. We were in the missionary position (it never goes out of style) and I was inside her vigorously pumping away like a sweaty porn star.

Most definitely I was enjoying the playful high energy. Then a thought drifted in from somewhere.

Is there pleasure in what is physically happening to me right now in this moment?

Without stopping the action, I took a moment to direct my attention to the sensations in my penis. I felt pressure, heat and friction; but, these sensations could only be described as neutral. Not unpleasant but not pleasant either. Taking a scan of my body, I noticed that my butt, pelvic floor and abs were clenched. I felt my breath constrained way up in my chest. My face and neck were tense too. Most definitely not pleasant.

In the next moment, I paused the action and relaxed the muscles in my pelvic floor (everything between my tail bone and my pubic bone) and butt. I felt a drop in the excitement level but was rewarded with a sweeping wave of release that travelled up my spine into my head. My breath eased, dropped deep into my belly, and fell into rhythm with my Beloved’s breath. I felt her body soften as we both shifted slightly to find more comfort.

I restarted moving my hips, this time gently just moving my penis a few millimetres in and out. Instantly a palpable electric connection arose between us. She let out a long deep sigh and I felt my heart swell with love. That was definitely pleasure.

Now I’m not saying that pumping away like a porn star or having tension in your body while having sex is wrong. What I am saying is that there can be a different quality of sexual pleasure, some would say deeper, if you can learn to relax, breathe and be aware.

It’s something that I will often gently coach my clients to do while I am giving them a tantric massage. If you have developed a habit of doing sex with lots of tension and activity it can take some practice to learn some new ways. But these news ways can give you access to a whole new pallet of sexual delights.

Remember…

Pause… Pay attention… Release muscles in tension… Breathe deep… Savour

Practice it with your partner or yourself while self pleasuring. Hey, why not practice it anytime? Find the pleasure in each moment of life.


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