Archive for the ‘Communication Skills’ Category

Finding the Road to ErosTown

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

This bit of writing is especially for couples.

I’d like to make a distinction between Love and Eros. In my opinion most folks tend to confuse these two characters. Like they’re one and the same. My belief is that while they do share a certain affinity, they actually live in quite different neighbourhoods.

In LoveVille everything is well lit, known, routine and comfortable. Love likes it that way. In ErosTown there are plenty of dark corners and you never know who you’re going to meet or what sort of adventure is around the corner. Eros is happy here.

This explains why most sexual relationships tend to be hottest at the start. This new person is a complete unknown and who knows how long they are going to be around. WooHoo take the fast train to ErosTown baby. A year later you decide to to move in together and share your lives with each other. Yay for Love! But pretty soon Eros is feeling neglected in the warm coziness of walks on the beach and quiet nights at home. The next thing you know one partner is in the bedroom reading romance novels and while the other is the den with the webcam going or worse. You know the story. Maybe you even have your own version.

So what I’m saying is that if you want to have both Love and Eros together in that relationship, after the initial infatuation (insanity??) wears off, you have to put some attention and effort into making that happen. And frankly I don’t know have any easy answers on how you are going to do that. Every relationship and every person’s desires are unique. You gotta be bold and find your own way.

I do have a couple of ideas of where you might start though.

One suggestion would be to come for a tantric erotic massage with me, or my wonderful partner in pleasure Casey, or both of us together. There’s always power in adding another person to the mix. It’s one of the most common sexual fantasies out there for good reason. But for most couples who are just dipping their toes into the shallow end, this can be really edgy territory. Who knows what this new person will bring! The thing about hiring a professional(s) is that you can be sure that the experience will cater to your desires and limits. Casey and I both have worked with lots of couples and we can truthfully say that we’ve never had anything less than a fun time and sometimes it’s been ecstatic or deeply healing. We are truly pros when it comes to navigating these waters consciously.

If coming for a private session seems like too big a leap you could try coming to one of my live erotic massage demonstration classes. They all take place at a very classy sex shop, The Art of Loving in Vancouver. So the setting is very sexy to start with. These classes are real live demos of two people having sex (with hands) in ways that will probably be new to you. You’ll learn a lot and I hope you’ll even get turned on. You can relax in knowing that you don’t have to take your clothes off. Most people are a bit nervous at first but my models and I are great at putting you at ease. You’ll be fine. We’ve done this before. Everyone leaves smiling.

My upcoming classes are listed here.

Please sign up in advance online or by calling the Art of Loving at 1-888-294-1821. Sometimes these classes get cancelled if not enough people register.

Ok so there are some ideas – there are more below and on my website. Also if you’d like to read a great book on the subject of keeping your sex life alive and kicking in a committed relationship I highly recommend Mating
In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence It’s just awesome. Written by a woman, Esther Perel, who knows her stuff.

I always enjoy your comments and hellos as well. Drop me a line. Come for a session.

With Love and Eros,

Ki Bournes

Posted in Communication Skills, Erotic Education, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Touch Skills | No Comments »

Honouring Desire

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

I’m going to start this post with a personal story.

My spiritual journey started with Buddhist meditation. I had my first true spiritual energetic experience, a direct experience of God, while doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After that, for many years, I meditated in silence and stillness for at least 2 hours a day.

Somehow, not fully understanding the teachings, I began to believe that what I desired was the cause of all my suffering. I convinced myself that if I just sat on my desires long enough, especially sexual desires, and endured the physical sensations and emotions they evoked, which could best be described as a ride on a burning roller coaster, that I would achieve Enlightenment.

I smile at my naiveté. My desires eventually won out, thankfully, after years of self-inflicted poverty and intense loneliness. I have since come to know and understand that on Earth, in this fleshy form called a body, honouring my desires and seeking their fulfilment with courage, compassion and love is an empowering spiritual practice.

As with all spiritual practice there are fears to face. When you seek to fulfil your desires you are vulnerable. You may get rejected and hurt. You may become uncomfortably aware of some moral dogma, that was programmed into you, that told you your desires were sinful and that you would be punished if you indulged them. Maybe you actually were punished by parents or others in positions of power when you were young. I would go as far to say that all of us, in this culture which is so repressed around healthy sexuality, have been punished to some degree with guilt and shame.

I’ve also known too many people who, like myself, in the name of spiritual attainment, are not transcending their Earthly desires, just suppressing them. Their suppressed desires turn into physical disease or depression. On the other extreme these denied desires manifest as addiction — to food, drugs, work or loveless sex to name a few.

Honouring our desires is deep work. Here’s a few suggestions to help in the process.

Source your desire in your body. Get your self into a quiet place with no distractions and ask your body, your heart, your belly and your genitals, “What do you desire?” Pay close attention and see what your body says to you. It may speak to you in sensations, emotions and images that you may have to sit with for a while to understand. Journaling, dancing, drumming, or making art can help you decode the body’s messages. This is not a rational, logical, left brain process but rather an intuitive knowing. If you are ruled by thoughts and the nagging voices in your head, this process may take some practice.

Own your desire. Celebrate your desire. Even if it seems unclear how that desire might be met. Practice being at peace with your desire without judging or condemning yourself. If you say to yourself, “No I can’t possibly have that” or “I don’t deserve that”, then take a look inside and see where those limiting beliefs might come from. After you do that, see if you can create a new belief like, “It’s healthy to have desires and to have them fulfilled.”

Express your desire. Well after all that effort of sourcing and owning your desire you might as well go for it and take some action to make it real. It’s been my experience that my world consistently organizes around my words and actions. It takes courage to ask for what you desire but even if the immediate answer is “No” you’ll feel empowered for making the effort. And if you can ask without guilt, fear or shame you will pleasantly surprised to often receive what you want and more. Life is abundant and generous.

Volumes could be written on Honouring Desire. If you would like some personal coaching in this area please feel free to contact me.  Also my classes in Erotic Massage are a good place to practice honouring your desires in the realm of intimate touch. Good luck, have fun with it, and practice, practice, practice!

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Communication Skills, Love and Sex, Spiritual Practice | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »