Archive for the ‘Erotic Energy’ Category

Finding the Road to ErosTown

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

This bit of writing is especially for couples.

I’d like to make a distinction between Love and Eros. In my opinion most folks tend to confuse these two characters. Like they’re one and the same. My belief is that while they do share a certain affinity, they actually live in quite different neighbourhoods.

In LoveVille everything is well lit, known, routine and comfortable. Love likes it that way. In ErosTown there are plenty of dark corners and you never know who you’re going to meet or what sort of adventure is around the corner. Eros is happy here.

This explains why most sexual relationships tend to be hottest at the start. This new person is a complete unknown and who knows how long they are going to be around. WooHoo take the fast train to ErosTown baby. A year later you decide to to move in together and share your lives with each other. Yay for Love! But pretty soon Eros is feeling neglected in the warm coziness of walks on the beach and quiet nights at home. The next thing you know one partner is in the bedroom reading romance novels and while the other is the den with the webcam going or worse. You know the story. Maybe you even have your own version.

So what I’m saying is that if you want to have both Love and Eros together in that relationship, after the initial infatuation (insanity??) wears off, you have to put some attention and effort into making that happen. And frankly I don’t know have any easy answers on how you are going to do that. Every relationship and every person’s desires are unique. You gotta be bold and find your own way.

I do have a couple of ideas of where you might start though.

One suggestion would be to come for a tantric erotic massage with me, or my wonderful partner in pleasure Casey, or both of us together. There’s always power in adding another person to the mix. It’s one of the most common sexual fantasies out there for good reason. But for most couples who are just dipping their toes into the shallow end, this can be really edgy territory. Who knows what this new person will bring! The thing about hiring a professional(s) is that you can be sure that the experience will cater to your desires and limits. Casey and I both have worked with lots of couples and we can truthfully say that we’ve never had anything less than a fun time and sometimes it’s been ecstatic or deeply healing. We are truly pros when it comes to navigating these waters consciously.

If coming for a private session seems like too big a leap you could try coming to one of my live erotic massage demonstration classes. They all take place at a very classy sex shop, The Art of Loving in Vancouver. So the setting is very sexy to start with. These classes are real live demos of two people having sex (with hands) in ways that will probably be new to you. You’ll learn a lot and I hope you’ll even get turned on. You can relax in knowing that you don’t have to take your clothes off. Most people are a bit nervous at first but my models and I are great at putting you at ease. You’ll be fine. We’ve done this before. Everyone leaves smiling.

My upcoming classes are listed here.

Please sign up in advance online or by calling the Art of Loving at 1-888-294-1821. Sometimes these classes get cancelled if not enough people register.

Ok so there are some ideas – there are more below and on my website. Also if you’d like to read a great book on the subject of keeping your sex life alive and kicking in a committed relationship I highly recommend Mating
In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence It’s just awesome. Written by a woman, Esther Perel, who knows her stuff.

I always enjoy your comments and hellos as well. Drop me a line. Come for a session.

With Love and Eros,

Ki Bournes

Posted in Communication Skills, Erotic Education, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Touch Skills | No Comments »

The Journey to Erotic Self-expression

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

There are times in life when the erotic spark just disappears. The loss of a relationship is a good example. If one’s erotic life is inspired by a significant Other, then losing Them can be devastating. But loss, accompanied with appropriate grieving of course, also makes room for something new to emerge.

Even when nothing as dramatic as the loss of a lover happens, there are natural ebbs and flows to our erotic self-expression. I notice myself how I go through spells of excitement and boredom. For a while I’ll really be into a new sex toy, a new author, or a new video that gets me turned on. Or I’ll get into some embodied practice like breathwork, meditation, or a tantric ritual that excites me for a spell…and then it doesn’t. I have to admit I’m fickle and easily bored.

For me there is a natural acceptance of these ebbs and flows. But I’ve never let the ebbs turn into stagnant backwaters. There is danger in neglect – if you don’t use it you do lose it – and this is certainly true with our erotic muscles, literally, as in our pelvic floor muscles, and figuratively, in our ability to get fired up, turned on, and really let go into our desire.

I do see a lot of people in my practice that have neglected their erotic expression for far too long and as a result they feel dead and lost. Usually there are other diseases of body and mind that have moved in as well. If the hearth is cold, the house gets moldy – here on the West Coast especially. For these folks the journey to erotic self-expression is also an important journey of self-transformation.

I love taking people on that journey because there is so much room for diverse and soulful activities and so much reward. There is a natural instinct in us to heal and, I believe, that erotic energy is both the fuel and the destination.

On that journey my favourite vehicle is of course erotic bodywork. Massage is always a nourishing place to go when it can be received. But for some people erotic massage is too-much-too-fast. In those cases we’ll often start by talking about their erotic history or dreams. We’ll try to discover the fragments and rough sketches of an erotic narrative that can be filled in and brought to life. Often times there is a well formed story already written but what’s lacking is some impetus to move it into the production phase. That push, from thought into action, is often simply having a bit of permission and a friendly co-conspirator – me.

Whatever the way forward, and there are so many directions and ways to enter the journey, it rarely happens instantly. And you won’t get there without putting some courage and energy into it. We’re talking the C-word here … Commitment.

The lack of commitment to the journey is a big source of sadness for me. I’ll see a client once or a few times and we’ll make some real progress. But not enough progress for them. In this speedy-digital-consumer-culture people want results NOW, preferably online and downloadable for free.

Or they’ll come in with some preconceived idea about what the journey (into what is fundamentally a mystery) will look like and they’ll get discouraged when the reality that unfolds is much different. Ironically if they could only accept what IS they would see how powerful, imaginative and wickedly funny the Universe can be. But alas, not getting their little version, they give up on the journey. It makes me want to cry. Believe me, I have lots of practice grieving the lost opportunities in my work.

If only people could believe in themselves and commit to the journey even just for a few months. The places they’d go. The new things they’d discover. They’d be awe struck at how their erotic self-expression could be renewed and could become the foundation for a life lived passionately. Who wouldn’t want that??

The nice thing is… you don’t have to journey alone.

Posted in Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Self-expression, Spiritual Practice | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

7 Breaths To Erotic Aliveness

Thursday, December 3rd, 2009

My clients tend to be very successful and busy with their career and their families. They need ways to relax and feel more erotically alive while on the go. Here’s a “micro-practice” I often share with them which I call Global Breathing.

First, here’s how to approach Global Breathing.

Seek the pleasure, make this fun. Breathing by its very nature is a sensual erotic activity, so look for that quality in this practice.

Only breathe as far as your body will allow – don’t try to muscle through any resistance. Awareness of body sensations and movement in this practice is what brings about the positive effects not physical strain. One millimeter of pleasant expansion into an area which is tight and sore is much better than a big, forced, deep breath.

So take it easy and don’t worry about getting it right.

Find a natural pause in your day for this practice. A few minutes before a scheduled meeting. The space between switching tasks. Going from inside a building to the outdoors. Before eating. Waiting for your computer to boot up.

Do it for just 7 breaths intentionally  (about a minute or so) then leave it and go back to your other activities. Come back to the practice often during the day.

So here’s the practice. Breathe in through the nose very slowly. Feel for the breath expanding the following places in the body: the pelvic floor, the belly, the lower back, the solar plexus and ribs, the mid back, the upper chest and the shoulder blades. Do it sequentially and systematically in that order – like you are filling your torso from bottom to top with a warm liquid. When you have felt the breath in all of these places, immediately exhale with no effort. Don’t hold the breath. Let the exhale just “fall out” as the torso shrinks in size. When the exhale is complete then immediately start the next inhale. Get into an easy steady pace as you repeat for at least 7 breaths or a couple of minutes.

If you can’t feel the breath expanding some of these places then just imagine it expanding them. Remember – expand only as far as feels pleasant without strain.

You can make it even more erotic by thinking of your breath as a lover’s caress.

I invite you to try it right now. Again don’t worry about getting it right. Just be aware of what happens and how your body feels before and after a minute of this practice. This one practice alone can bring immense erotic liveliness a habitual way of being in your life.

If you’d like personal coaching in this breathing and other ways of becoming more erotically alive please contact me for a personal session.

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Erotic Energy | No Comments »