Archive for the ‘Love and Sex’ Category

Casual, Committed or Conscious Sex

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

A recent email conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking about the differences between Casual, Committed and Conscious sex and how to get more good sex in general.

My friend is a woman who is beautiful, smart, unattached and very busy as a full time grad student. Here’s what she wrote:

How can a lovely lady like myself find someone to play with? I know, it should be easy, but really it’s not. I’m very busy, and I don’t have the time to go out cruising. And I don’t really like doing that either, so I signed up on an online dating site, but I’m really inept at this. I mean there are lots of guys on there I’d consider hanging out with, but I think I’m being shy! I check all the guys out, but then jam at making contact. Should I try the following:

1. Contact ten guys and set up dates. This feels like an obvious one.
2. Actually say on my profile I am interested in casual sex. This seems risky, but it is in fact true. Bad idea?
3. Consider other ways of meeting people. Perhaps you could suggest a few? Are there other sites I should look at?

There’s also a lot of things I’d like to experiment with now that I am single again, like a threesome and group sex, but I don’t know where to begin. Other than emailing you. :)

Its weird because I know I’m a pretty sexual person but I am holding back for some reason. I think it’s the personal safety issue, which is important but there must be a way for me to safely get what I need. So your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Here’s what I wrote back:

I sympathize. Dating is hard. Online dating is a huge investment in courage and energy. Here’s my quick advice. Be honest about wanting casual sex on your profile – it’s ok to own your sexual desire – you are a pioneer in that regard. When arranging the first date just be clear that sex is the goal but you want to check if you are compatible with the other person first by having a conversation. Be clear about what you want and don’t want, referenced on your own embodied yearnings rather than what you think might please someone else, and what you need to feel safe. Communicate that up front to any potential “play partners” and see how they respond and use that as a guide on whether to take the next step into being physically intimate. I’d recommend for a first physical date getting starting with something like a massage exchange and see how that goes before moving to other activities on future dates.

In a further email, after second thoughts, I wrote:

I don’t think you are looking for casual sex but rather conscious sex with all the nourishment it has to offer without the draining emotional entanglements that traditionally come with “committed sex”. That reframe might help. There are others who want that as well.

The more I think about it the more I just don’t like the term casual sex. I don’t think anything as powerful and mysterious as sex, something that makes people so vulnerable and touches them so deeply, can ever truly be casual. I also think the implicit meaning of “casual sex” is that it’s somehow not as worthy as “committed sex”. In my opinion we need to drop the tired old idea that in order for sex to be good and satisfying there has to be Love/Commitment/Emotional Attachment involved.

So I’d like to use the term Conscious Sex instead and explain what I mean and how to get it.

For sex to be Conscious and good (and often awesome) there needs to be Consent, Pleasure and care given toward the Well Being of all parties involved – these are the three pillars of what’s called sex-positive culture. Notice how Love and Exclusivity are not in there. There are lots of nourishing aspects to sex like playfulness, novelty, healing, intimacy, and general hot goodness that don’t require emotional entanglement (or somebody crashing on your couch and eating all the food in your fridge). Yes being in a loving committed relationship is great too. But sometimes, like in my friend’s case, life is just too busy and complicated for that.

Of course there is always the option of hiring a professional. I know a good one.

So if you think that Conscious Sex is what you want here’s my step by step plan to get more of it. I’m expanding on the quick advice I gave my friend:

1. Own your sexual desire. Here is something that might help. Sexual desire – or call it Eros – is actually the mysterious and powerful creative force of the universe moving through your mortal coil. It’s Good. Don’t listen to those nasty voices in your head trying to tell you otherwise. They’re just 1000 years of prudish-shaming-religious-fear-mongering crapola.

2. Get specific about your sexual desires. Can you imagine timidly whispering, “Umm you know I want umm sex.” That just won’t get you what you want. You have to declare it and know what sort of sex you want based on your own desires! Here’s a tool to help you figure that out – a Want Will or Won’t checklist. (Courtesy of Becca at www.smarthotfun.com. Her whole site, which is awesome, is full of fresh sex education advice. Go check it out.) WWW checklists contain, in chart form, many different possible sex acts which you can mark Want! Will… or Won’t. Using this list will help you get specific on your desires and also where your desires intersect with a potential play partner’s desires. That’s where the Consent, Pleasure and Well Being of Conscious Sex happens!

3. Get clear about your non-sexual needs. These could include needs for safety. Or needs around how much time you want to commit. Or needs for privacy. Or needs for not having to deal with other stuff unrelated to sex. Or needs about personal autonomy. It’s good to be clear about this up front.

4. Put yourself out there. Now that you’re clear about what your desires and needs are, you can communicate them confidently to the world through dating websites or personally. Checking out sex positive workshops and communities is a good route to try too. Or just be old fashioned and go out in the world, be your unabashed sex positive self and try to pick up (bring supportive friends with you).

5. Make first contact. Talk about sex and see how it goes. But while doing so pay attention to other things. Do you find them attractive? Do you like the way they smell? Do their desires intersect with your own? Does communication with them flow easily or is it an effort? Use this information to guide you as whether or not to take the next step – having a play date.

6. Make a play date and try out some of the less intimate Want! activities on your list. Personally I’m a big fan of a massage exchange to check out someone’s communication and touch skills. If there is a nice flow of erotic energy there then you can move on to more intimate activities on your Want! List, if not, move on. Hey you’re doing it. You’re having Conscious Sex.

7. Repeat from step 1. The nice thing about this process is that you’ll learn new things about yourself and about sex as you do it. The first few times through the steps may be challenging. You are learning new skills. Give yourself a break and don’t worry about getting it right. You’ll get better at it.

So that’s it. Go out and get the Conscious Sex you crave. Send me reports.

Posted in Dating, Desire, Love and Sex, Sex Positive Culture | No Comments »

Honouring Desire

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

I’m going to start this post with a personal story.

My spiritual journey started with Buddhist meditation. I had my first true spiritual energetic experience, a direct experience of God, while doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat. After that, for many years, I meditated in silence and stillness for at least 2 hours a day.

Somehow, not fully understanding the teachings, I began to believe that what I desired was the cause of all my suffering. I convinced myself that if I just sat on my desires long enough, especially sexual desires, and endured the physical sensations and emotions they evoked, which could best be described as a ride on a burning roller coaster, that I would achieve Enlightenment.

I smile at my naiveté. My desires eventually won out, thankfully, after years of self-inflicted poverty and intense loneliness. I have since come to know and understand that on Earth, in this fleshy form called a body, honouring my desires and seeking their fulfilment with courage, compassion and love is an empowering spiritual practice.

As with all spiritual practice there are fears to face. When you seek to fulfil your desires you are vulnerable. You may get rejected and hurt. You may become uncomfortably aware of some moral dogma, that was programmed into you, that told you your desires were sinful and that you would be punished if you indulged them. Maybe you actually were punished by parents or others in positions of power when you were young. I would go as far to say that all of us, in this culture which is so repressed around healthy sexuality, have been punished to some degree with guilt and shame.

I’ve also known too many people who, like myself, in the name of spiritual attainment, are not transcending their Earthly desires, just suppressing them. Their suppressed desires turn into physical disease or depression. On the other extreme these denied desires manifest as addiction — to food, drugs, work or loveless sex to name a few.

Honouring our desires is deep work. Here’s a few suggestions to help in the process.

Source your desire in your body. Get your self into a quiet place with no distractions and ask your body, your heart, your belly and your genitals, “What do you desire?” Pay close attention and see what your body says to you. It may speak to you in sensations, emotions and images that you may have to sit with for a while to understand. Journaling, dancing, drumming, or making art can help you decode the body’s messages. This is not a rational, logical, left brain process but rather an intuitive knowing. If you are ruled by thoughts and the nagging voices in your head, this process may take some practice.

Own your desire. Celebrate your desire. Even if it seems unclear how that desire might be met. Practice being at peace with your desire without judging or condemning yourself. If you say to yourself, “No I can’t possibly have that” or “I don’t deserve that”, then take a look inside and see where those limiting beliefs might come from. After you do that, see if you can create a new belief like, “It’s healthy to have desires and to have them fulfilled.”

Express your desire. Well after all that effort of sourcing and owning your desire you might as well go for it and take some action to make it real. It’s been my experience that my world consistently organizes around my words and actions. It takes courage to ask for what you desire but even if the immediate answer is “No” you’ll feel empowered for making the effort. And if you can ask without guilt, fear or shame you will pleasantly surprised to often receive what you want and more. Life is abundant and generous.

Volumes could be written on Honouring Desire. If you would like some personal coaching in this area please feel free to contact me.  Also my classes in Erotic Massage are a good place to practice honouring your desires in the realm of intimate touch. Good luck, have fun with it, and practice, practice, practice!

Ki

604-618-3381

www.massagebyki.com


Posted in Communication Skills, Love and Sex, Spiritual Practice | No Comments »

Advice for Men to Last Longer and Enjoy More Erotic Energy and Heart Connection

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Being able to last as long as I like and choose when I come is something that I have been working on mastering for a very long time. And to be honest, after years and thousands kegel exercises, I’m still working on it.

I use all of these tips that I am about to share and they work. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why you would want to last longer. Ask your lover and I’m sure she’ll tell you. Note to my gay readers, please just substitute he and him for she and her. Oh and by the way if you have the problem of erectile dysfunction or if you’re a man or a woman who has a hard time having an orgasm all of these tips will help you as well.

You can practice these tips while you are masturbating or having partner sex.

The most important thing you must do is gain mastery in using your pelvic floor muscles. This is your main way of having a say in when you come and how hard you come. The pelvic floor muscles stretch between your pubic bone and your tailbone and encircle your penis and your anus and cradle your prostate. When I say mastery this is what I mean. You want these muscles to be strong and supple. You want to have the lines of communication between your mind and these muscles to be clear so that you can discern what state they are in, contracted or relaxed. You want to develop the capacity to contract them a little, contract them a lot, hold them in contraction or relax them at will. You want to be able to continue to breathe while you do this.

I can’t begin to put all the exercises I use for gaining mastery of these muscles into one short post. You can start by simply sitting on a toilet while urinating and starting and stopping the flow of urine. That will help you locate these muscles. Once you know where they are, just practice squeezing and releasing them. Try different patterns like squeeze, release, squeeze, release or squeeze, hold for a count of 5 then release or squeeze as you inhale and release as you exhale or the squeeze as you exhale release as you inhale. There is no one right pattern to practice or one specific pattern that will help every person to last longer. You have to learn what works for you. One special secret is that the pelvic floor generally takes longer to fully relax than it does to contract. When doing the release part of these exercises, wait that extra second and really feel them fully relax before squeezing them again.

Massaging your pelvic floor, with your hands and some massage oil, is also a very good practice. Massage increases sensitivity, awareness, suppleness and circulation. It’s also great for prostate health.

Ok the next thing is learning how to breathe under pressure. If you are holding your breath while stimulating your penis you’re not going to last very long. No breathing means lots of tension, which means no energy flow, which means you’re gonna blow yer load. Practice noticing your breathing while you are masturbating and consciously breathe in a relaxed and rhythmic way. Many of you will say that tension actually creates more pleasure. This is true but there is a different quality of pleasure that is available if you learn to breathe and relax into your sexual energy build-up.

The next thing to practice is placing your attention on the sensations in your penis and pelvic region. Experiment with dropping fantasy and porn and really attend to the actual sensations in your penis and the surrounding areas. If you notice you are getting close to coming, reduce the speed and intensity of the stimulation. You might even notice that the sensations on your penis created by your habitual movements aren’t that pleasant. Maybe you can try something different like more lube or a different stroke that gives more enjoyment. Hmmm what a concept.

Make sounds. Sounds are energy and vibration. By making sounds you are helping energy move so it doesn’t get dammed up and blow out the end of your penis prematurely. Also when you make sounds you are more likely to be breathing.

Move your hips and see if you can get that to move your whole spine up into your back and neck. Move your hips in different directions – back and forth, side to side, up and down, and in circles. This moves your spine in different ways which moves the energy. If you sit at a computer all day and don’t exercise, may I suggest getting yourself into a yoga practice. Massage also helps.

Ok and here is the biggest tip of all. Get your partner to help you!

Tell her that you want to last longer for your pleasure and for hers. Please drop the tired old male performance I-gotta-do-it-on-my-own story. You need your woman’s co-operation here. If she is squeezing, pumping, grinding and moaning like a wild beast totally unaware that you are trying to hold yourself back from coming, you don’t stand a chance. And there is nothing worse, in my mind, of desperately trying to hold back when she is rushing for an orgasm. Even worse is the dreaded “pull out” method – a major disruption to the erotic energy and your connection.

So tell her when you are getting close to coming and ask her nicely (or not so nicely if that’s what turns her on) to slow down and not squeeze you so hard. Look deeply into her eyes and ask her to breathe with you in stillness and feel your heart connection. Ask her to help you move the energy through your whole body and through hers by hand movements that stroke from the genital region up to the heart, the hands, the head and the feet. Make sounds together. No woman I have ever had sex with complained about these requests.

All of these practices will not only help you last longer but you’ll be feeling more energy, pleasure, and connection to your partner.

Oh and don’t beat yourself up in doing these practices. Don’t worry about getting them right. Experiment. Lighten up. Have some fun. If something doesn’t work for you don’t do it. When you do come be sure to fully enjoy it and celebrate it!


Posted in Body Sensation Awareness, Breathing, Communication Skills, Erotic Energy, Erotic Mastery, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »

Massage Yourself not Just Your Online Dating Profile

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

I have many friends who are searching for love and connection via online dating sites. My friends are spending hours flirting, chatting, writing emails, arranging dates, and “massaging their profiles” in their quest for love and sex.

It’s a challenging game. Unanswered emails, getting stood up, and bad dates are all too common. I really admire anyone who persists. The disappointments far outnumber the successes.

I have a tip to help your chances of success and it has nothing to do with your computer.

It comes from my own experience of attracting my own Beloved into my life.

I had been single for years before meeting her. My love radar was always on high alert. If some poor girl showed the least bit of interest in me, I was all over her like a cheap suit. Sure, I had regular flings but nothing would last long or satisfy me. I wasn’t very attractive in my neediness and desperation.

Eventually I got smart and realized that I had to do something different. I started to focus on my purpose – being a fantastic sex educator and healer. I stopped grasping outside of myself for satisfaction and started using all of my tantric skills to cultivate my own sexual energy.

I’d make time everyday to massage myself – especially those intimate places where there are lots of nerve endings. I’d set my intention and get centred before touching myself. I took my time and wasn’t in a rush to get off. I limited the amount of porn and fantasy I used and instead brought my attention to my own body sensations. I used conscious breathing while touching myself. I tried new techniques and toys and learned new things about my own pleasure. I used a mantra, “I Am My Own Divine Lover” and channelled my orgasmic energy into a vision and an embodied feeling of that mantra. I savoured my solo-loving practice.

Within a couple of months, I had an inner fire burning. I was feeling confident because I was meeting my own needs. Instead of chasing after every woman that came my way, I quietly contained my energy. My lady friends took notice. They would come up to me and say, “Ki what have you been doing? You’ve changed. You’re looking so good.”

I’d smile and say, “I’m practicing loving myself.”

It’s true that we attract what we put out in the world. In that state of being my Own Divine Lover my Beloved soon showed up in the flesh. Our connection was magical and still is. Jessica and I have been together 3 years and we have a 3 month old son who is the delight of our lives.

So to all you singles my advice is to add some more time massaging yourself as well as massaging your online profile. Give yourself so much sensual pleasure and love that your cup overflows. You’ll be amazed at who shows up to have a drink.

I’m available for private sessions for men and women who would like coaching in this empowering practice of self-massage and solo-loving. Obstacles do come up and a supportive coach can make the difference between success and failure. You’re worth it!

Ki
604-618-3381
Massage By Ki


Posted in Breathing, Dating, Love and Sex, Self-massage, Self-pleasuring | No Comments »